The Black Snob

Politics. Pop Culture. Pretentiousness.

Archive for March 2008

Does Condi Heart Barack? She’ll Never Tell

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This is part two of an installment on the varying opinions of black conservatives, moderates and Republicans on Barack Obama where The Snob searches for answers to her privy: Will black Republicans be playing on Team Obama come the general? On Sunday conservative pundit Amy Holmes went up for bat. Today we take a look at Condoleezza Rice’s words and thoughts on Obama.

Before I can talk about Condoleezza Rice, I have to dump some of my own racial, gender Condi psycho-drama in your lap. Apologies. I’m incapable of writing about the woman without a disclaimer.

Condoleezza Rice has always been a bit of conundrum for me as a Liberal and as a black woman. On one hand, I think she’s done a horrible job, both as National Security Adviser and presently as the Secretary of State. She spent far too much time trying to warp the reality to her bosses world view than give him an unvarnished look at things. Yet, I bristle when people attack Rice on things other than her foreign policy decisions.

Translation: If you tell me you think Condoleezza Rice has compromised her integrity for her bosses ego fine by me. But if you attack her personally I’m pretty appalled. Mostly because a person can be wrong and you can still address their issues without resorting to accusing her of wanting to destroy the world because she can’t get laid. I’m pretty sure that if Condi wanted a man she would have one. And secondly, I don’t think it’s anyone’s damn business. No one ever asks these questions of men. Somehow your martial status past 35 becomes fair game if you’re a woman who is dedicated to her career. After all, no one concludes Vice President Dick Cheney wants to destroy the world because he’s overweight and the rest of the world is thinner than him.

And translation of that translation: Condi and I effectively come from the same background, the black middle class. I know what it’s like for people to make up assumptions about you based on the flimsiest of guises. I don’t have to agree with her politics to emphasize with her. No one knows how complicated it is to be a black woman more than other black women.

But what does Condoleezza Rice think of Obama? Would she side with her political ideology or would she find it hard to not be swayed by Obama’s historic quest, one that in some ways was similar to her own as she ventured to become the first black woman secretary of state.

Let’s take a look at the tape.

Rice on Obama’s speech about race in America:

While saying repeatedly she did not want to talk about the election campaign — “I don’t do politics” — and also reiterating her lack of interest in the vice presidential slot, Rice said the United States had a hard time dealing with racial issues.

“There is a paradox for this country and a contradiction of this country and we still haven’t resolved it,” she said in a detailed reply to questions about Obama and race issues as a whole before next week’s 40th anniversary of the slaying of civil rights leader Martin Luther King.

“But what I would like understood as a black American is that black Americans loved and had faith in this country even when this country didn’t love and have faith in them, and that’s our legacy.”

Rice said her own father, grandmother and great-grandmother had endured “terrible humiliations” growing up in the segregated south and yet they still loved America.

Rice on race as a barrier in politics on FOX News Sunday (via AP):

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice finds Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama appealing and says it won’t be much longer before race isn’t a barrier to becoming president.

Obama is a top-tier contender among Democrats and his wide support early in the 2008 race “just shows that we’ve come a very long way,” Rice said Sunday. She and the Illinois senator are black.

“I do think we’ve come a long way in overcoming stereotypes, role stereotypes about African-Americans. I will say race is still a factor. When a person walks into a room, I still think people still see race,” Rice said.

“But it’s less and less of a barrier to believing that that person can be your doctor or your lawyer or a professor in your university or the CEO of a company. And it will not be long, I think, before it’s no longer a barrier to being president of the United States,” Rice said.

Rice, no shocker, is playing close to the vest on her opinions on Obama. She has a high profile job with the current administration and is living through a “Draft Condi” movement to make her John McCain’s running mate. I don’t see that happening as Rice, and this is practically a compliment, does not have the massive ego one needs to run for president, vice president even. Your ego has to have its own gravitational pull almost to even consider it.

Rice has made polite comments about Obama in the press and there is no reason to believe that she is wishing him any more ill will than secretly rooting him on. Because Condi’s so mum, she was the hardest to handicap. While it’s true she was a Democrat until the 1984 Mondale campaign (and who didn’t want to quit the party after that) and she likely is no where near as hard right as her current employers, she’s not big on sympathy or hand-holding either. Other than joining me and Amy Holmes on the “that could have been me!” end of black bourgeois leanings, if Condi backs Barack, you’ll never know because she’ll never tell you.

Chances of publicly endorsing Obama: Not as long as she’s a Bushie. And she’s a dyed-in-wool Bushie.

Chances of her voting for Obama: That’s a big question mark. My female intuition (and her family history) makes me want to say yes. What girl could grow up under the dual clouds of racism and racial responsibility and not feel a bit for the Big O? But this is Condi. Other than her love of the piano and football, she keeps all her feelings and emotions out of sight. Considering that I don’t even believe she believes have of the things she says in defense of her boss we may never know what she actually thinks about anything.

Side note: When you go looking for pictures of Rice in the Google Image search you really have to put your “don’t be offended” hat on. While I don’t know which image disturbed me the most – wait, scratch that. It was Condi’s face morphed onto a pitbull. Yeah. That was pretty offensive. And anything that accentuated her nose and thick lips. That was reeeeeeally offensive. So news flash, just because she’s a Republican and you don’t agree with her it’s still rather racist to graph her face onto a tribal African’s National Geographic photo with a George W. Bush in blackface as her bushman hubby. You’d think your Liberal racism immunity credits would protect you from that, but that’s a lie. You can totally be a Liberal and be racist. You wouldn’t be a very good Liberal, mind you, but you can square that circle with enough African bush jokes.

Can’t get enough of what black Republicans think of Obama? Well, come back tomorrow. I’ll tell you what Ward Connerly thinks! (And what I think he really thinks!) Then keep coming back for 12 more days, because I got a lot more black Republicans were that came from! Don’t be scared of what a black Republican might say, Snobbers! If you can’t face JC Watts, how can you face al Qaida?

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Written by blacksnob

March 31, 2008 at 2:03 am

Boondocks on BET

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Did you hear the one about the episodes of Aaron McGruder’s “Boondocks” that ripped up BET heads Debra L. Lee and Reginald Hudlin and subsquently got ditched from Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim? That’s been running around the web for a while now, but I just recently stumbled across the videos online today on Liz Burr’s blog.

While I quasi fell in black nerd love with McGruder when “Boondocks,” the cartoon strip, first debuted, I’ve been reluctant to watch much of the Cartoon Network reincarnation. While I was able to laugh and cringe my way through “Chappelle Show,” on Boondocks I mostly just cringe. It was bad enough when the strip became less character driven as McGruder grew weary under grueling newspaper deadlines, but this show just pushes so far to be provocative that what good there is of it is negated in the fact that the message gets lost in a flurry of expletives, n-bombs and risque sexual humor. I’m not saying that black people can’t make edgy, provocative art. We have a tradition of such but there is a point where your message becomes so subversive that it pretty much ceases to exist.

Much like how BET was originally created to be all things to black people — to both entertain and inform — “Boondocks” used to be about humor and political insight. I’m not saying that “Boondocks” and BET are on parallel planes. For one, BET is viewed in far more households and has next-to-nil substance. But I could see how someone not attuned to racial politics wouldn’t see a difference. Nudity without context is pornography. “Boondocks” starting to suffer from a severe obscuring of context.

That said, here are the “banned” episodes below.

Written by blacksnob

March 30, 2008 at 9:11 pm

Friend or Frienemies?: Black Conservatives Weigh In On the Presidential Candidacy of Barack Obama

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As a true vision of George W. Bush’s hallmark catchphrase, is Barack Obama the true “uniter, not a divider” as the one man black Republicans and Democrats can agree on?

Photo from Men’s Vouge

A lot of people talk about Sen. Barack Obama in the terms of him bringing Democrats and Republicans together by being willing to cross the aisle and reach out to Republicans. While this notion is nice, I don’t quite see that happening if Obama makes it to the White House. Most Republicans, with a few rare exceptions, have been unwilling to cede any ground to the Democrats, or even the center in some cases. It’s typically the Democrats capitulating as many Democratic senators and representatives were elected as centrists in Republican or moderate districts.

No, the great unification I’m more interested in is the myriad of reactions from black conservatives, politicians and pundits to Obama’s ascension from freshman senator to Democratic sensation.

My curiosity was initially piqued with Colin Powell outted himself as a foreign policy advisor to Barack Obama. It only grew as various black conservative pundits wavered between reserved admiration and dulled dislike for Obama. It’s only grown since Secy. of State Condeleeza Rice recently chimed in on Obama’s recent speech on race relations in America, largely agreeing with the sentiment of the speech and adding that America has a “birth defect” from being founded by liberty seeking revolutionaries and the black slaves brought here as their beasts of burden.

While Obama has received his fair share of criticism and Liberal boogyman beatdowns from black conservatives, he’s also received a lot of praise. There seems to be a “two-ness” in the black conservative response. As a black person, they’re proud to an extent. But as a Republican they’d rather be rooting for Michael Steele or Alan Keyes. But even with that caveat there are still fissures in the façade. The first black president, ever, is still to delicious of a dream to pass on completely causing many black Republicans to do the same thing that many anti-war, Liberals have done – see what they want to see and hear what they want to hear.

Because I’m willing to take one for the black Liberal team, I took the time to research the opinions of fourteen prominent black conservatives and conservative-leaning moderates and found some surprising (and not surprising) results. While I don’t usually agree with the black Right, I do understand their reasons for being Republicans and/or conservatives. I don’t usually agree with those reasons, but I can see why they came to these conclusions.

“The Talented Fourteenth,” as I’ve so dubbed them, will be profiled throughout the next two weeks with one black conservative a day. Sunday’s installment features CNN gadfly and regular “Real Time with Bill Maher” guest, Liberal-Conservative-Independent-Republican, Amy Holmes.

Holmes, a conservative pundit and former speech writer for Sen. Bill Frist, gets on TV, a lot. It doesn’t hurt that she’s physically attractive. She talks with confidence in every subject, even those she’s not particularly versed in, even when she’s flat out wrong. She sort of reminds me of White House Press Secretary Dana Perino, only I don’t like Dana Perino, yet I am somewhat partial to Holmes, despite never agreeing with her. I can’t really explain or justify it. But I’ll be honest – it’s probably because I’m an educated light-skinned black woman with naturally curly hair who can also talk really, really fast. Plus we both had the “that could have be me!” outrage over Don Imus flippantly tossing around “nappy headed ho” remark about academically exceptional black female student-athletes at one of the United State’s oldest institutions.

Our similarities end there. Her opinions on Obama follow below.

On Barack Obama’s “race speech,” from the National Review Online blog – The Corner:

My first reaction? Race speeches are rarely good, and this was no exception. For all of Obama’s new talk of change, courage, politics you can believe in, I heard a whole lot of liberal boilerplate dressed up in euphemism and offering no fresh solutions …

(I)n an effort to lay blame everywhere, Obama called out his own grandmother for admitting to her, now, not so secret fear of young black male strangers. He said that when he was growing up her remarks sometimes made him cringe. Well, for my part, hearing him compare a woman who sacrificed for his well-being to a pastor who’s only benefited from his association made me cringe. Real courage and real candor is Chris Rock standing on stage telling a packed black audience that seeing young black men on dark lonely night near the glow of an ATM can make him feel nervous, too.


On Anderson Cooper 360’s blog, defending Obama against former Democratic Vice President nominee Geraldine Ferraro attack that Obama was lucky to be in the situation he is in right now, benefiting from being both black and a male:

The answer is simple and on message. Barack is lucky, and he should say so.

He’s lucky to be an American, a citizen of the greatest nation in human history. He’s lucky and blessed to have a smart and beautiful wife who loves him and sustains him, two strong and healthy daughters he has the privilege and responsibility of raising.

He’s lucky to be on the campaign trail meeting his fellow citizens everyday and asking them to spread his message, “Yes we can.” And with luck, hard work, and the support of the American people, he hopes to bring that message to the White House.

And again on The Corner, defending Obama’s blackness credentials:

Certainly, there are powerful forces in the black community to define oneself in political grievance terms. But it seems to me that a lot of the pressure to “keep it real” has been deflated by the fact that so many who make that silly claim are demonstrable and obvious phonies.


Some have argued that you have to take any conservative opinion Holmes has with a grain of salt. Her conservative credentials have been questioned due to her pro-choice stance on abortion, as well as some other “Liberal” views. She’s registered as an “independent” and many people have alluded that she touts herself as a conservative purely out of the fact that as an attractive young black woman she would get more press and more work if she leaned conservative.

The question for Amy Holmes is really this: are the things she says on CNN, FOX, and Real Time with Bill Maher really her opinion, or is she just spotlight-seeking? After all, this is the woman who in 2000 admitted to The Daily Princetonian that “I love photo shoots. I understand now why celebrities get addicted.” – Teague Bohlen, Demver Blog, Westworld


But, for what it’s worth, she did donate $250 to black Republican Michael Steele’s failed bid for senate in 2006.

Holmes has been, at best, mixed on Obama. She’s both defended and criticized him. Her criticism has mostly centered on Obama being a “Liberal” and accusing him of reinforcing anachronistic notions of race when Holmes feels Americans, black and white, have evolved past some of the issues bolstered by the, ahem, race hustling poverty pimps of the black progressive Left.

Shock of all shocks, I actually think Holmes is sincere in both her defense and, to a lesser extent, her criticisms of Obama. While she does brandish the Scarlet “L” around, I can’t tell how much of her heart is behind that. I’m not a mind reader, but from what I’ve seen of Holmes repeatedly on CNN, she doesn’t seem particularly interested in bashing Obama besides getting in a few talking points. She’s typically more interested in tearing into his opponent, Hillary Clinton.

This isn’t saying that Holmes will be plunking $250 down for Obama, but I wouldn’t be shocked if she came out for him or voted for him either. Although Holmes and I haven’t agreed on anything other than “Don Imus should be fired” and “Republicans should reach out to the black community more,” she seems to be – I don’t know – reasonable. She’s just as excited about the prospect of a black president as the next black person despite the fact he doesn’t hold the exact same views as her.

This is not so much different as Irish Catholics voting for Kennedy in 1960 and Mormons voting for Mitt Romney in 2008. There is something intrinsically exciting and visceral about one of your own, a favorite son, making a go of it. Black people, even black Republicans, are not immune to this.

Final conclusions

Chances of endorsing Obama: What? And ruin her chances of getting on TV all the time? As if!

Chances of voting for Obama: This is a no brainer. Conservative or no, she’s voting for him in the general. That’s just my opinion, mind you. I have no facts or imperical evidence. But I’ve seen her teeter-totter on the Liberal-Conservative divide, and I have a gut feeling of “truthiness” that she’s going to fall into the Obama camp, albeit secretly, if he’s the nominee.

___________________________________________________

Check back to The Black Snob all this week on my series “Friend of Frienemies: Black Conservatives On Barack Obama,” concluding on April 18th.

Monday: Condoleezza Rice
Tuesday: JC Watts
Wednesday: Shelby Steele
Thursday: Alan Keyes
Friday: Ward Connerly
Saturday: Colin Powell
Sunday: Armstrong Williams
Monday: Michael Steele
Tuesday: John McWhorter
Wednesday: LaShawn Barber and Herman Cain
Thursday: Star Parker and Eric Wallace
Friday: A final analysis, “Who Would Clarence Thomas Vote For?”

Written by blacksnob

March 30, 2008 at 4:52 pm

Wegro Paradise

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Madonna + Justin + Timbaland = Meta Fake Negro Meltdown

4 Minutes by Madonna

I’ve been listening to Madonna’s new Timbaland produced single “4 Minutes.” I’m trying to determine if it’s gawd awful or genius. It totally sounds like a “Bad” era Michael Jackson song with a horn-infused hip hop “Dangerous” Michael Jackson edge. But MJ rip-offs aside, I can’t get over how self-referential this production is.

You’ve got Madonna, an artist who in the 90s who flat out said she wished she was black. And there’s Justin Timberlake who owes the success of his post-blond afro, boy band career to the work of black hip hop producers. Then there’s Timbaland, the genius, throwing together a mix that is one part The Jacksons “Can You Feel It” and one part a Mickey D’s bastardization of every beat Tim Mosley has ever created.

Then there’s Madonna, the “mother of reinvention,” still aggressively pursuing the youth market via Tim and Justin even though she’s fifty years old now. I’m not saying she should hang up the fishnet tights and crotch shots, but isn’t it getting a little silly? While her “Confessions On A Dancefloor” and “Music” were good, she hasn’t done anything truly earth shattering since “Ray of Light.” Her music has always been a live or die by the hot producers-o-the-minute she’s signed up with.

Then you have the whole inside joke of Madonna and Justin singing together. Justin, the ex-boyfriend of Britney Spears who Madonna famously got freaky with on the MTV Video Awards back in 2003 then did a duet on Spears’ track “Me Against the Music.” Justin who was all on Janet Jackson and Michael Jackson’s jocks. The same Jacksons Madonna was obsessed with in the 80s and 90s.

While this song is just kind of ridiculous for Madonna, it’s a stand-out for Justin. Madonna’s not known for her vocal chops and he basically over-powers her in the same way Beyonce’s ululating knifed up all his falsetto and subtlety on the second take of “Until the End of Time.” Madonna turns the ex-Mouseketeer into an R&B credibility God. Timberlake, no matter how you feel about him, has way more black acceptance and R&B cred than Madonna ever had.

When she bemoaned her lack of blackness in the 90s it was because she wanted to be taken seriously as an artist by the black community, but tragically, Madonna’s weak vocals kept her on the back burner. Despite making a serviceable R&B album out of “Bedtime Stories” she just didn’t have the shit it takes to compete in the brutal “Showtime At the Apollo” world of black music. And it didn’t help that black people already have one marginal singing pop sex Goddess. And her first name ain’t baby. It’s Janet. Miss Jackson if you’re nasty.

Until now Madonna always had the good sense not to do duets with black singers better than her (or white singers better than her for that matter). There were no *MJ, JJ, Stevie Wonder, Lenny Kravitz (and I don’t count “Justify My Love”), Patti LaBelle, Terrence Trent D’Arby, Tina Turner, Whitney Houston, Boys II Men, Mariah Carey or Beyonce collaborations. No George Michael, Boy George, Elton John, Michael MacDonald, Annie Lennox, Cher, Gwen Stefani, Christina Aguliera or Fergie duets. No one who could make her sound like crap. She flirted with R&B disaster on “Take A Bow” with Babyface, but that turned out wonderful, mostly because ‘Face is such an excellent producer.

But Justin finally found a popular vocalist he could make sound like shit. He’s ripping up and down “4 Minutes” all elated at being the hottest thing on this hip pop concoction. You can almost see the MJ-esque pirouettes he’s is doing in the studio while resisting the urge to accent the whole thing with “hee-hees!,” “ooh-hoos!” and “Shamons!” All Madonna can do to keep up is repeat her the pop assist she gave Brit on “Me Against the Music.” And even though MJ is a hot mess right now, the production of the song gives me hope that Tim will save a beat or two for black music’s own personal Howard Hughes because if this had been a Michael Jackson/Justin Timberlake production there would have been blood on the dance floor.

For real this time.

*Snob reader I Am Not Star Jones pointed out to me that Prince and Madonna sang a duet together, “Love Song” from “Like A Prayer.” I originally had him listed under Negroes Madonna avoided singing with. But she did not release it as a single, so on a technicality she was still playing chicken.

Written by blacksnob

March 28, 2008 at 5:55 pm

Caught Between Corny and Snob Place

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I hate to blow anyone’s grand illusions of my degrees of snobbishness, but I wasn’t raised a Negro “sophistocrat.” Sure, I was taught to assimilate and enunciate words correctly, I took piano lessons, but I’m not an actual stuck up person. Quite honestly, I hate uppity people.

Case in point, The Root.

I’m trying desperately to warm up to the site and while it is ten-thousand percent not as offense to me as, let’s say Bossip or MediaTakeOut, I’m just not feeling it. It’s just … how would one put it? A joy killer.

The Snob is trapped in two worlds, ya’ll. But my two worlds both exist in the black side of the universe. I feel so much guilt when I am not able to relate to certain members of my family because we grew up with such vast disparities in class, income and education that one us is speaking Pig Latin and the other Esperanto.

Yet, in my bland, suburban childhood all the black people I knew were these dull ass-clowns who only cared about name-brand everything and making fun of “poor” black people. I swear. If we weren’t all Negroes at least 75 percent of them could have become Republicans.

I shudder at the thought.

So this is what I’m dealing with here.

The Root has not one, not two, but THREE articles on the new Tyler Perry film. Two articles are about how Tyler Perry’s movies are bad for you and one why they’re kind of bad, but it’s OK, because it’s a good thing the chitlin’ circuit is going mainstream.

It’s all navel gazingly snooty.

Perry’s brand of evangelical entertainment may be unabashedly black, but is also unabashedly conservative. A Tyler Perry product, whether in film or on television, in play or book form, plays directly to his black Christian female audience by building on a simple synthesis of everyday black narratives with recognizable black characters and standard black church rhetoric.

The resolution of each piece of work is grounded in simply having a stronger Christian faith. But that message, while sold as an empowering populist articulation of the black experience, is ultimately not empowering at all. To the contrary, Perry’s formula seems to call for more docility from black folk, manipulating them to be more accepting of their social conditions, and encouraging them to turn primarily to God to solve secular problems.

No shit!

Tyler Perry’s encouraging black Christian conservative stereotypes!
Were you born black yesterday? The majority of black people are socially conservative. That’s why The Snob, a secular raised, urban friend-o-the-gays, does not like Perry’s films any more than liberal white people enjoy NASCAR and the humor of Larry the Cable Guy.

Please, The Root’s Andrew C. Willis. Stop clutching your pearls and jangling your heart medication. Save the outrage for BET. That’s were black women are being assailed every day. And aside from my issue with black men in drag, black women tend to be presented in a more favorable light in a Perry production. Like, they get actual speaking parts and get to look pretty and laugh and fall in love. If the shit weren’t so corny I would watch it.

I wish black people were more socially Liberal but you’re going to have to come a little hard than this to compete with Perry’s box office gross. Your energy would be better spent fighting to get blacks more integrated politically, socially, educationally and in the workplace. Your arm is too short to box with black folks love of Jesus.

Then The Root has this lengthy, “playa hatin’diatribe by Gary Dauphin where he tries to convince me that there is something sinister a-foot about “Stuff White People Like.”

I’ll confess that part of my antipathy is just old-fashioned player hate. Nothing gets under my (colored, nearly-middle-aged) skin like the spectacle of a twentysomething white kid doing what twentysomething white kids do all the time, namely, play on some or another aspect of their race for smug fun and profit. Lander has already reportedly been offered a $350K-plus book deal from Random House. (Can a VH1 Special be very far behind?) People of color are constantly accused of playing various race cards, but “White boy makes good by being white” is hardly a man-bites-dog story …

Seen in that light, SWPL’s innovation … is a classic blue-eyed soul (white) power move: take a colored discourse, eliminate the messy colored bits, and watch the hits roll in. Does every discussion about identity have to be about colored folks? No, of course not. Talk amongst yourselves, white folks, really. By all means.

By the end he’s referring to Greg Tate’s Everything But the Burden, but wait? Isn’t the Stuff White People Like guy making fun of … gasp … white people? Justin Timberlake wants to be black without the burden, grindin’ on Janet Jackson but dashing away from the nipple-gate fall out. This white dude wants to make fun of other nervous, yuppie white Liberals. Those left-leaning nervous nellies we’re all friends with!

You know? The nice white people. Why are we bashing the white people we like? Why is it not OK for them to make fun of the little guilty white Liberal who lives inside of them? My word, fellow snobby black people, sometimes it isn’t about you!

And see! This is where I live. I live with one foot in “Schlitz drinkin’, Flo-Rida-is-an-ass-jigglin’-poet” country and the other in “The Land of the Pretentious Jerks Who Occasionally Write For The Root.”

I don’t know who I can’t stand more. The hicks who call me bourgeois or the bourgeoisies who accuse me of not being bourgeois enough! I’m sorry. I don’t like hot pickles and Now-Laters. Especially not together! And I don’t want to spend hours dissecting Cornell West while pretending to be into Pan-African culture. I’m sorry I always forget to lock your car door because I’ve never known life without automatic door locks. I’m sorry that I don’t own an iPhone and that I eat pork. What do you crazy people want from me?

I swear, if I didn’t love black people I’d just run off and go hang out in the gentrified part of the city with the white middle class Liberals and Asians who’s idea of upper class is shopping at the Target across town instead of the Wal-Mart near us. Non-black people who couldn’t afford to get into the fancy colleges and had to go to state schools, who like literature but still enjoy comic books. Who shop at Banana Republic and eat McDonalds and like NWA. Those people! I will never press my hair straight again. I will let the naps run wild. Or maybe I’ll get a relaxer and wear it straight all the time. And I will marry a part-German, part-Dutch, half-Japanese Filipino American State Farm claims adjuster and live in a downtown loft apartment where our furniture was bought at a local Rent-to-Own and Pier 1. We will eat pizza and vanilla milkshakes three times a week and will enroll our 2.5 children into nothing but Catholic School, soccer and math camp, so help me God, I will do it!

But I probably won’t.

The blackness has got me, ya’ll. It’s got me wide open!

OK. I’ll apologize, The Root. I didn’t mean those things I said about the Banana Republic and Target. I don’t like that hip hop junk either. Nah. Too funky. I like jazz now. But only Joshua Redman. And I love India Aire, but not Erykah Badu. And I’m going to send my kids to Jack and Jill and I’ll start wearing all my money on my back from now on. Nothing but Donna Karan this and Dolce & Gabbana that. Hair did. Nails done. Oh? You say you want to take me to an NAACP fund-raising dinner? Oh my. I guess that could be fun. I promise to drink tea with my pinky finger extended. Oh, what’s that? Say “Z-Phi” in a Whitley Gilbert accent? Sure!

Zeeee-Faaaiyaaayiiia!

Was that too much snark? I can get a little Shaggy from time to time. They call me Ms. Bombastic.

Seriously, though, The Root. I won’t dump blackness, but I might go back to reading only Slate again.

Written by blacksnob

March 27, 2008 at 11:22 pm

Shit, Please Stop Hitting Fan, Love The Snob

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Basra, Iraq. (Above) A British soldier. (Below) Anti-Maliki protestors in Basra Tuesday. (AP)

As much as I think I’m right about the Iraq War being the stupidest foreign policy decision made by the US since the War of 1812, I will gladly be wrong if it means time will magically spin backwards and prove George W. right.

I’m a category five on the mocking scale, but I’m naturally a good-hearted and earnest person. Therefore it hurts me when I hear Chimpy going on and on with these ever more grandiose visions of victory n’ valor, of this romanticism, Mel Gibson’s “Braveheart” version of war, whilst ignoring that depressing people dying, innocence destroyed, ultraviolence and cruelty = hearts hardened part.

From CNN:

Since Tuesday, clashes in Basra and throughout Iraq’s Shiite heartland have left more than 100 dead and many wounded in Basra, Baghdad, Hilla, Kut, Karbala and Diwaniya.

Also Thursday, a U.S. government official was killed when militants fired rockets into the Green Zone, a spokesman for the U.S. Embassy in Baghdad said.

Casualty figures from Basra weren’t available Thursday, but the number of deaths is expected to rise from the 40 to 50 that had been reported Wednesday.

In Baghdad on Thursday, dozens of gunmen kidnapped the spokesman of the Baghdad security plan, Tahseen Sheikhly. Three of his guards were killed and his house burned in the attack, which an Interior Ministry official said was carried out by “outlaws,” a reference to al-Sadr’s militia.

Also Thursday, a car bomb explosion killed three people and wounded five others near a police patrol in central Baghdad, an Interior Ministry official said. There are no apparent links to the violence in the Shiite regions.

Witnesses in Basra report smoke rising and gunfire and explosions ringing out across the city, where Iraqi security forces, backed by U.S. and British troops, have been taking on fighters using grenades, mortar rounds and machine guns.

Yet the optimism and perkiness remains. Every thing’s shit-eatin’-grin-great! We’re one one-hundred-year-long Bhutan Death March away from victory! It’s just like that movie “Independence Day” where it took us three days to wipe out a superior race of intergalactic space terrorists … only longer!

From CNN:

President Bush expressed sympathy Monday for the families of the 4,000 Americans killed in the war in Iraq, promising to make sure their loved ones “were not lost in vain.”

“One day, people will look back at this moment in history and say, ‘Thank God there were courageous people willing to serve, because they laid the foundations for peace for generations to come,’ ” Bush told reporters after a meeting at the State Department.


Is it because we haven’t experienced a real war on our soil since the Civil War? Is that the reason for the disconnect? And I mean a real war. Where it involved more than buying yellow ribbons and storing up on K rations. A war that was felt by the whole and involved national pain and sacrifice, not the kind of sacrifice you get because you’re willing to pay $4 for gas over $2. The kind where your life is dramatically altered in you physical reality, not just in your imagination. Where you actually are dealing with suicide bombings on a daily basis or hearing gunfire several times a day on city streets. Where you can’t go to work because you’re afraid you’ll be kidnapped and held for ransom. Where you’re afraid to go to church because you know that this week is the week they’re shooting up Catholics or Baptists or Methodists or Unitarians or Jehovah’s Witnesses.

Where you couldn’t get clean water or food. Where the electricity doesn’t work regularly and where no one has picked up the garbage in four years because if there were people to pick up the garbage that would mean life was something like normal.

You know? War war. The kind they’ve had a-plenty of times in all countries not us, Canada and Australia.

Is it because our noses are so far away from the bodies rotting in the street that we can just saunter around like every thing’s Jim Dandy? That we can go to Chilis order the baby back ribs and a margarita the size of my head then regurgitate, waddle home to watch some celebrity sex tape internet porn, then fall asleep peacefully surrounded by our mint condition Star Wars collection figurines, Waumsutta 250-thread-count sheets and central air heating and cooling systems?

I know I’m preaching to the snarky choir on my blog as I haven’t come across any war hawks yet, but I’ve been reading about signs of our crack Spackle of a surge suffering from fissures over the last two months that went unreported in the mainstream press – high turnover in the officer ranks of our military, funding cuts of cash for ex-insurgents, Great Britain declaring “Mission Accomplished” in the south and falling back to their garrison outside of Basra.

But even though I know something horrible is coming, I still don’t want it to come. Four-thousand-plus dead isn’t a number. Those are fathers and mothers, daughters and sons, sisters and brothers. They are, were people. And they matter. And I feel the same way about the Iraqi dead, which is up well into the 100,000s with many more millions displaced.

How much is this war’s continuance not about fear, but all about ego? How much of this death cult action is habitual CYA by a cadre of the US population who just wants to get away with everything, without accountability, damn the process? And how do you make America safer against an enemy that doesn’t need to be in Iraq to strike you? We’re fighting terrorists, not a country. Al Qaida couldn’t take Iraq even if it wanted to. Do the Bushies expect me to believe I am so dumb not to realize that Al Qaida didn’t need Iraq to attack us in 2001 and doesn’t need it to attack us now? The Shia nor the Sunni nor the Kurds like Al Qaeda. At least the three indigenous groups to Iraq can tell each other apart. They’d probably have an easier time of getting rid of Al Qaida. Oh wait, we learned that from the Surge. They are better at that than us.

Our problem is that we’ve fucked up things so bad that it would be both immoral for us to leave or stay and that’s how the neocons like it. No one wants to be the grown up and deal with this thing responsibly. No one wants to make the hard decisions and sacrifices.

I hate to make comparisons to Adolf Hitler because people fling around his name around so bluntly you’d think he was born with hooves, but before D-Day if the Fuhrer had crunched his numbers and really thought about it, he would have eased up on the whole “rule the world” thing and just settled on ruling most of Europe. The US was really leery of getting involved, despite all the horror stories coming out of Europe. (Apparently the Republicans were something called “isolationists” back then.) Germany was a small country, it could only produce so many soldiers. They had the superior military and technology, but they shouldn’t over extend themselves. Why invade Russia? Why threaten Great Britain or other countries outside of the Iberian Peninsula? The Fuhrer could wait for them.

But (yeah?) Hitler didn’t care for listening to the “reality-based community” of his day.

I’m not saying Bush is Hitler because that would be an insult to Hitler. Hitler was an arrogant Theocrat who decided most white people weren’t white enough. He was not a dumbass. George is an arrogant Theocrat and a dumbass.

He also could never be confused with a sadistic anti-Semite.

There’s a difference!

And we’re living it.

I just can’t take it. Maybe George can watch this (or not watch it, if Condi doesn’t say it, it can’t be true!), but I give! What do you want? Stop holding the troops hostage. Do you want every military marriage to end in a funeral or divorce? What are we sacrificing for anymore? I’m sick of all the goal post moving, so what do I have to do to get you, George W., out of Iraq today? If I promise to not compare you to Hitler anymore, will you let the troops go? What if I let you read my emails for the rest of your life? What if I vote Republican for the next four elections? What if I vote for Ward Connerly’s anti-Affirmative Action initiative?

What I agree to not complain as loudly about our country’s racist heritage? What if I write a book proclaiming how you really are the John Wayne/Rambo character that only exists in your mind? What if I wrote that you, George W., wrote the Constitution, won the Civil War, beat the Nazis, the Japanese and the Koreans, that you brought down the Iron Curtain, reunited Europe, bartered the Oslo Peace Accords and made nuclear weapons turn to sunshine and made Skittles rain all across the Middle East as all the peoples of the world turned on their iPods, put on their Budweiser T-shirts, lit up a Marlboro and held hands from Tippecanoe to Uzbekistan singing in perfect American accented English “I’m Proud to Be An American Because At Least I know I’m Free!

Would you acquiesce then? I am a defeatist, just like you said. That’s the difference between you and me.

I’m willing to let you be right rather than watch Solomon chop our troops in half for the sake of your shattered legacy.

I promise. I’ll carve you up on Rushmore myself with my fingernails.

Pretty please.

Written by blacksnob

March 27, 2008 at 6:52 pm

Funny, then depressing

with one comment

As with all Bushtoons, the laughter is bittersweet. (Click image to enlarge)

To read the rest, check out Mock, Paper, Scissors here.

Written by blacksnob

March 27, 2008 at 6:46 pm