The Black Snob

Politics. Pop Culture. Pretentiousness.

Archive for May 10th, 2008

Amy Holmes, Let’s Be Friends

with 36 comments

Despite my best efforts to hate her because, um, everything she says is wrong. I love Amy Holmes.

Long, long ago on this blog I mentioned my desire to capture Amy Holmes, brainwash her and recruit her back to the black hand side. I don’t mind that she’s a conservative. That’s fine. Keep the conservatism. But I also know that she’s a registered independent who’s pro-abortion. She also went to Princeton. She was also born in Zambia. And she has a thing for Jews. (That’s cool too. I mean, I’d do Jon Stewart. Not Bill Maher though. He’s fuggly and I don’t touch things that have touched Karrine Steffans.) But I really, really like her. I know, a lot of you hate her. But I really, really do. I don’t know why. I just do. So, Amy, if you read this blog, here is my recruitment letter to you.

————————————————

Dear Amy Holmes,

Hey girl. Can I call you “girl”? Is that cool? Because I don’t know your level of “blackness.” Girl might be wrong. So I’ll call you Amy.

Amy, I know a lot of black libs and progressives are really, really hard on you because sometimes you can come off as a hateful bitch. I know. Sounds harsh. But it’s true. Yet somehow, I don’t believe your bitchatude. You just can’t convince me you’re evil. How can evil come in such an adorable package?

But that’s not what this letter is about. I want to recruit you to be a true independent. For reals. Because, let’s face it, you’re not William Bennett. You’re not Bill O’Reilly. You’re not Rush Limbaugh. You’re not Ann Fucking Coulter. You’re not even Mary Matalin (although you come close!) You don’t care about raising the capital gains tax or eliminating the estate tax. Let’s be real, Amy. Really real. You’re just doing this for the money.

I know you don’t want to admit it. But let’s face it. Independent, liberal-leaning blacks are a dime a dozen. There are like, a billion of those jocking to be on TV. And maybe you didn’t feel like duking it out with Donna Brazille because that would be like bring a knife to a gunfight. But say you’re a “Republican strategist” and suddenly your cute-as-a-button, afro princess face is everywhere. You’re in demand. “Get that cute black conservative girl!” the networks shout, “Her bitchatude is awesome!”

And it is. You’ve got bitchatude for miles. But I think you’re at a junction here where you can gracefully move closer to the center and become the poster girl for independent black women.

1) You hate Hillary Clinton. I’ve noticed that you’ve noticed that the tide has turned on black folks’ love affair with the Clintons. You can TOTALLY bond with Negroes over that. My God. That alone would endear you to millions.

2) You were born in Zambia. We like women from the motherland! Sure your dad split when you were a kid. But that just makes you a cute-as-a-button, conservative/independent version of Barack Obama. With a little elbow grease and that sparkling smile you could win over the hearts and minds of Negroes. We don’t care if you’re biracial. This is America. All black folks are lumped together whether they want to be lumped or not.

3) You went to Princeton. We need Ivy league Negroes! You could inspire some young sisters to go to college. Do you realize how many sisters would look up to you if you crossed over and talked about hard work, personal responsibility and hair products. And, by the way, what hair products do you use because I too have natural hair and yours looks stunning, I must say. Absolutely stunning.

CNN election-night stalwarts Amy Holmes and Jamal Simmons. Holmes said they coulda been the next Matalin & Carville, except “I love Jews!” (Does this mean Wolf Blitzer should be careful when approaching the pundit table? Nope — Holmes is happily dating a nice Jewish boy in Los Angeles. You’re safe for now, Blitzer.) Photo from Huffington Post

4) You don’t have to start loving all that Liberal stuff. We know you don’t like all of it. That’s cool. Most black people don’t like all of it either. You can TOTALLY disagree with Liberal stuff and still be cool with black people. I don’t care if you have some issues with “big government” and our education system. People NEED to talk about this shit any way. And you could talk about it from a place of love (like Bill Cosby) rather than from a place of whorish superiority (like Ward Connerly.) I know you can bridge that gap!

5) We can be BFFs! Seriously! I would be your friend. I’m being honest here. You seem like a nice person (when you’re not being a bitch on TV.) Even if we always didn’t agree on stuff, we could still kick it. I can get along with almost anyone and I think we have a lot in common. Really! I do. You look like a pretty big snob. We both have nice hair. We both have tons of white friends. We both think Jews are kind of hot. (Although I prefer the blacks, the Asians and the Incongnegroes. Woo. Someday Wentworth. Someday. And you tend to like your Jews kinda old. I don’t do that, but whatever. The heart wants what the heart wants.)

Also we can both talk right over people who we disagree with. I mean, just run their asses over like Steven King’s “Christine.” Fuck their POV! It’s about MINE, bitches! You survived being on “The View” a few times. I’ve survived watching “The View” a few times. Your pro-choice. I’m pro-choice. You’re a cute not-black-black-girl. I’m a cute 100 percent (but pale) black girl. You sometimes get shit wrong. You’re only human. I get shit wrong too! We’re both human! Yay!

6) You can totally not like Barack Obama and still get in there (even though I think you secretly like Barack Obama). Cornell West has issues with Barack and he’s black as hell. A lot of black folks have their issues with Barack. They thought he gave Rev. Wright the shiv. They think he doesn’t offers enough specifics. Some folks don’t trust him because he’s not the descendants of slaves. (Don’t worry, Amy. You’re half Zambian, but we can smooth that right over.) They think he doesn’t address enough black issues. They think he’s kowtowing to white people and apologizing too much for the “failings” of us darkies. And some are still Clintonistas (go figure). So really. You can criticize Obama and not all black people will want to beat the shit out of you. Some will. But not all.

7) We need more black Independents. God knows we need some different POVs in black America. We are not a monolith but the gatekeepers want to keep us as a monolith. We’ve got an ocean of mouthy black people who think alike and think they run shit who are populating the airwaves. I, personally, am sick of about half of them (Tavis). We’ve been experimenting with some things for about 30 years now (affirmative action, integration, welfare, etc.) that could use a fresh look. As long as you don’t come off like a crazed opportunist, once again, like Ward Connerly, you’re in like Flinn!

So, come on, Amy! Join The Snob Generation where black people can be smart, independent, educated, good looking, cultured, well-read, uppity and dignified. Be a SNOB, Amy. I know you’re probably a snob in the conventional sense. But be a BLACK SNOB. Take it up a notch.

If you don’t want to know The Snob Generation, that’s cool. I’ll still be your friend. We can still disagree when you go off on some hateful rant. I can ignore the fact you go on FOX News. I can just focus on what we have in common. The whole “educated, tons of white friends” thing. The afro thing.

But just think about it! You’ll still get to be on TV! Michelle Bernard of the Independent Womens’ Forum LIVES on Hardball with Chris Matthews. She plays both sides of the field without being a complete bitch. You can do it, Amy! You don’t have to carry that Republican water any more! Set yourself free!

And be a Snob.

Yours truly,

Danielle B. a.ka. “The Snob”

PS. Part of my desire for Amy to make that move to the center is that I’m a stan for every curly haired bandit on television. Seriously. Have natural hair on TV and I will love you no matter what foolishness comes out of your mouth. God knows, I love the shit out of Alison Stewart. Even when she was MTV News. She rocks.

Advertisements

Written by blacksnob

May 10, 2008 at 2:02 pm

Amy Holmes, Let’s Be Friends

with one comment

Despite my best efforts to hate her because, um, everything she says is wrong. I love Amy Holmes.

Long, long ago on this blog I mentioned my desire to capture Amy Holmes, brainwash her and recruit her back to the black hand side. I don’t mind that she’s a conservative. That’s fine. Keep the conservatism. But I also know that she’s a registered independent who’s pro-abortion. She also went to Princeton. She was also born in Zambia. And she has a thing for Jews. (That’s cool too. I mean, I’d do Jon Stewart. Not Bill Maher though. He’s fuggly and I don’t touch things that have touched Karrine Steffans.) But I really, really like her. I know, a lot of you hate her. But I really, really do. I don’t know why. I just do. So, Amy, if you read this blog, here is my recruitment letter to you.

————————————————

Dear Amy Holmes,

Hey girl. Can I call you “girl”? Is that cool? Because I don’t know your level of “blackness.” Girl might be wrong. So I’ll call you Amy.

Amy, I know a lot of black libs and progressives are really, really hard on you because sometimes you can come off as a hateful bitch. I know. Sounds harsh. But it’s true. Yet somehow, I don’t believe your bitchatude. You just can’t convince me you’re evil. How can evil come in such an adorable package?

But that’s not what this letter is about. I want to recruit you to be a true independent. For reals. Because, let’s face it, you’re not William Bennett. You’re not Bill O’Reilly. You’re not Rush Limbaugh. You’re not Ann Fucking Coulter. You’re not even Mary Matalin (although you come close!) You don’t care about raising the capital gains tax or eliminating the estate tax. Let’s be real, Amy. Really real. You’re just doing this for the money.

I know you don’t want to admit it. But let’s face it. Independent, liberal-leaning blacks are a dime a dozen. There are like, a billion of those jocking to be on TV. And maybe you didn’t feel like duking it out with Donna Brazille because that would be like bring a knife to a gunfight. But say you’re a “Republican strategist” and suddenly your cute-as-a-button, afro princess face is everywhere. You’re in demand. “Get that cute black conservative girl!” the networks shout, “Her bitchatude is awesome!”

And it is. You’ve got bitchatude for miles. But I think you’re at a junction here where you can gracefully move closer to the center and become the poster girl for independent black women.

1) You hate Hillary Clinton. I’ve noticed that you’ve noticed that the tide has turned on black folks’ love affair with the Clintons. You can TOTALLY bond with Negroes over that. My God. That alone would endear you to millions.

2) You were born in Zambia. We like women from the motherland! Sure your dad split when you were a kid. But that just makes you a cute-as-a-button, conservative/independent version of Barack Obama. With a little elbow grease and that sparkling smile you could win over the hearts and minds of Negroes. We don’t care if you’re biracial. This is America. All black folks are lumped together whether they want to be lumped or not.

3) You went to Princeton. We need Ivy league Negroes! You could inspire some young sisters to go to college. Do you realize how many sisters would look up to you if you crossed over and talked about hard work, personal responsibility and hair products. And, by the way, what hair products do you use because I too have natural hair and yours looks stunning, I must say. Absolutely stunning.

CNN election-night stalwarts Amy Holmes and Jamal Simmons. Holmes said they coulda been the next Matalin & Carville, except “I love Jews!” (Does this mean Wolf Blitzer should be careful when approaching the pundit table? Nope — Holmes is happily dating a nice Jewish boy in Los Angeles. You’re safe for now, Blitzer.) Photo from Huffington Post

4) You don’t have to start loving all that Liberal stuff. We know you don’t like all of it. That’s cool. Most black people don’t like all of it either. You can TOTALLY disagree with Liberal stuff and still be cool with black people. I don’t care if you have some issues with “big government” and our education system. People NEED to talk about this shit any way. And you could talk about it from a place of love (like Bill Cosby) rather than from a place of whorish superiority (like Ward Connerly.) I know you can bridge that gap!

5) We can be BFFs! Seriously! I would be your friend. I’m being honest here. You seem like a nice person (when you’re not being a bitch on TV.) Even if we always didn’t agree on stuff, we could still kick it. I can get along with almost anyone and I think we have a lot in common. Really! I do. You look like a pretty big snob. We both have nice hair. We both have tons of white friends. We both think Jews are kind of hot. (Although I prefer the blacks, the Asians and the Incongnegroes. Woo. Someday Wentworth. Someday. And you tend to like your Jews kinda old. I don’t do that, but whatever. The heart wants what the heart wants.)

Also we can both talk right over people who we disagree with. I mean, just run their asses over like Steven King’s “Christine.” Fuck their POV! It’s about MINE, bitches! You survived being on “The View” a few times. I’ve survived watching “The View” a few times. Your pro-choice. I’m pro-choice. You’re a cute not-black-black-girl. I’m a cute 100 percent (but pale) black girl. You sometimes get shit wrong. You’re only human. I get shit wrong too! We’re both human! Yay!

6) You can totally not like Barack Obama and still get in there (even though I think you secretly like Barack Obama). Cornell West has issues with Barack and he’s black as hell. A lot of black folks have their issues with Barack. They thought he gave Rev. Wright the shiv. They think he doesn’t offers enough specifics. Some folks don’t trust him because he’s not the descendants of slaves. (Don’t worry, Amy. You’re half Zambian, but we can smooth that right over.) They think he doesn’t address enough black issues. They think he’s kowtowing to white people and apologizing too much for the “failings” of us darkies. And some are still Clintonistas (go figure). So really. You can criticize Obama and not all black people will want to beat the shit out of you. Some will. But not all.

7) We need more black Independents. God knows we need some different POVs in black America. We are not a monolith but the gatekeepers want to keep us as a monolith. We’ve got an ocean of mouthy black people who think alike and think they run shit who are populating the airwaves. I, personally, am sick of about half of them (Tavis). We’ve been experimenting with some things for about 30 years now (affirmative action, integration, welfare, etc.) that could use a fresh look. As long as you don’t come off like a crazed opportunist, once again, like Ward Connerly, you’re in like Flinn!

So, come on, Amy! Join The Snob Generation where black people can be smart, independent, educated, good looking, cultured, well-read, uppity and dignified. Be a SNOB, Amy. I know you’re probably a snob in the conventional sense. But be a BLACK SNOB. Take it up a notch.

If you don’t want to know The Snob Generation, that’s cool. I’ll still be your friend. We can still disagree when you go off on some hateful rant. I can ignore the fact you go on FOX News. I can just focus on what we have in common. The whole “educated, tons of white friends” thing. The afro thing.

But just think about it! You’ll still get to be on TV! Michelle Bernard of the Independent Womens’ Forum LIVES on Hardball with Chris Matthews. She plays both sides of the field without being a complete bitch. You can do it, Amy! You don’t have to carry that Republican water any more! Set yourself free!

And be a Snob.

Yours truly,

Danielle B. a.ka. “The Snob”

PS. Part of my desire for Amy to make that move to the center is that I’m a stan for every curly haired bandit on television. Seriously. Have natural hair on TV and I will love you no matter what foolishness comes out of your mouth. God knows, I love the shit out of Alison Stewart. Even when she was MTV News. She rocks.

Written by blacksnob

May 10, 2008 at 2:02 pm

Uncle Sam to Rev. Al: Money, please!

with 2 comments

Rev. Al Sharpton seems to be in a little “money trouble” with the “gov’ment.” Ruh-roh!

Sayeth The Associated Press:

Big corporations give him money. Presidential candidates seek his endorsement. He has influential friends in Congress and the governor’s mansion. The Rev. Al Sharpton has emerged over the past decade as perhaps the nation’s most prominent civil rights leader, a status that was demonstrated again this week when he led protests against police brutality that briefly shut down six of Manhattan’s major bridges and tunnels.

But he still carries baggage from his early days as a fire-breathing agitator: Government records obtained by The Associated Press indicate that Sharpton and his business entities owe nearly $1.5 million in overdue taxes and associated penalties.

Now the U.S. attorney is investigating his nonprofit group, a probe that an undeterred Sharpton brushes off as the kind of annoyance that civil rights figures have come to expect from the government.

“Whatever retaliation they do on me, we never stop,” he told the AP. “I think that that is why they try to intimidate us.”

Even the little people know, Uncle Sam is always going to get his. He might not get you now. Or next week. Or in a few years. But he will get you and he will want his money. As the good Rev. Jeremiah Wright (or Malcolm X) would say, Al Sharpton’s CHICKENS are coming home to ROOST!

Good luck with keeping the gov’ment off your back, Al! Stay black! Stay strong!

Written by blacksnob

May 10, 2008 at 12:58 pm

Oh, and by the way …

with 4 comments

Star Jones weighed in on Barbara Walters’ new book “Audition.” Walters has outed herself as a “lover of the light brown” in the book, admitting to a 1970s potentially career-ending fling with a black man who just happened to be a US Senator, Edward Brooke.

No big.

She also dished on Jones’ whole “portion management and Pilates” conspiracy to keep the public from knowing about her gastric bypass surgery when she was a co-host on “The View.”

Being a former (current?) attorney, Jones had no problem writing her opening bitchslap.

“It is a sad day when an icon like Barbara Walters, in the sunset of her life, is reduced to publicly branding herself as an adulterer, humiliating an innocent family with accounts of her illicit affair and speaking negatively against me all for the sake of selling a book. It speaks to her true character,” Jones told Us Weekly magazine.

Man, that stung. And it stung from a woman who marketed her wedding to the highest bidder and shilled shoes for Payless!

Now I’m no big fan of Star Jones. Mostly because I think she’s a little self-involved (little?), but I’m a fan of all Effie Whites, black women who refuse to leave even when your name has been removed from the marquee, your final check has been cut, the security guards have come to escort you from the set and your man is running off with the good wedding China. Do you hold your head in you widdle hands and cry. No, no, no. You stamp your foot and you belt it out! You’re not going! You don’t wanna be free!

People, of course, are flaming her criticism as pure bitchatude, but let’s remove ourselves from Star’s ego and really take in what she said about Barbara.

Star basically says Walters is an old bitty who is ruining the name of old bitties (like Rue McClanahan or Betty White) because she has run out of things to say. That Walters is no longer relevant or interesting, thus she has to rehash Disco Jungle Fever affairs of more than thirty years ago and drag up the carcass of her famed fall out with Jones.

Star is saying Barbara is pathetic. Pathetic with a capital “P.”

No matter how you feel about Star, she has a point. Something just doesn’t set right about taking out the trash in a tell-all, instead of revealing something that was your own personal cross to bear (like Mike Wallace’s bouts with clincal depression). Walters could have just kept the memoirs about her career, her life, her many ex-husbands, but everyone had heard and read that already. So she chose to embarrass an old ass man’s family and, I don’t know, for SHITS and GRINS, kick now bony Star Jones around for ol’ times sake.

Really, Barbara? Really? This is what it has come? You’ve got me agreeing with Star Jones?

Even if she only said it because her feelings were hurt. Even if she was only bitchslapping you because she is, in fact, a BITCH. That doesn’t make it any less true.

You couldn’t do the dignified thing. You couldn’t be Kathrine Hepburn. You couldn’t even be Christina Crawford of “Mommy Dearest” fame. At least she waited until her mother died and wrote her out of the will to get even. No. You had to go all Kitty Kelly.

Don’t believe that because you’re so high up on your mass media horse you have become as noble as that stance. Admit it. You needed drama to sell a book. It’s OK. Everybody does it. And by everybody, I mean the whores. I know you’re thinking, whore is a really strong word, but it’s really not that bad. Not when you think about it. And you’re with some really high quality, literary whores who are millionaires and stuff. I’m sure you like standing astride the gossip loving masses next to Joe Canseco, LaToya Jackson and Karrine Steffans, that special place where you will enjoy the glow one can only get by pissing on the people who got you there.

Written by blacksnob

May 10, 2008 at 2:32 am