The Black Snob

Politics. Pop Culture. Pretentiousness.

Archive for May 27th, 2008

The Dream Mate

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With the Democratic nomination close to being sewn up (despite some caterwauling from the peanut gallery), the pundits are engaging in their favorite national pastime — Vice Presidential Candidate Dream Date.

John McCain’s looking for a veep of his dreams. My money is on Mitt Romney as he is sucking up the hardest, per usual. He wants to be the new face of the Republican party and he’s willing to do, say, be anything to get it. His only caveats being he wants to stay a Mormon and keep his family. Everything else is negotiable.

Romney knows McCain might be a one-termer. What better way to launch your second presidential bid than after four years in the White House?

Of course, I don’t know what Romney brings to the ticket (Utah? Ann Coulter?), but Mike Huckabee’s too folksy and his other former opponents (Rudy, Tancredo, et al) are either heavily damaged or deranged. Florida Gov. Charlie Crist is supposed to be in contention. But there’s still a grassroots campaign to draft Condoleezza Rice. I still think that would be an astronomical mistake, but hey, do it and surprise me, McCain.

As for Barack Obama, the pundits have been hitting the Hillary Clinton/John Edwards/Bill Richardson bong, ignoring some serious flaws in that logic.

1) Barack and Hillary hate each other.

2) Edwards was already a veep nominee for John Kerry in 2004.

3) Richardson got knifed up by Tim Russert on “Meet the Press.” Like damaged. Like fatally. I don’t trust that man’s stamina in front of the Washington press corps. Plus, people already struggle with Obama’s ethnicity. I don’t know if he can afford to add such a huge dollop of diversity on what is already a United Colors of Benetton ticket.

Other names being bandied about include: Sen. Christopher Dodd, Sen. Joe Biden, Sen. Jim Webb and Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius

I don’t know how I feel about any of those individuals as VP. I like Webb potentially because he’s a Vietnam War veteran, is intelligent and is a “no bullshit” guy when it comes to dealing with the press hacks. But I don’t know if he’s the perfect potential running mate.

A lot of people like Sebelius and she is more of a centrist, which makes her interesting, but hmm … I don’ t know. Her rebuttal to the president’s State of the Union Address was dullsville compared to Webb’s kick ass rebuttal the year before. I respect Dodd for being willing to do a one-man filibuster back in January to stop some bogus FISA crap going down. And Biden is great when he gets all pissed off, but sometimes he can be a little “flying from the seat of my pants” like.

So I’m stumped on the whole thing. I don’t know which flavor of veep I like: Old, white and male. Not-so-old, white and male. Used. Clintonian. White Female. Centrist. Angry Liberal. Southerner. Who would be your dream mate for Obama or McCain?

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Written by blacksnob

May 27, 2008 at 3:49 pm

Incognegro VII: Dwayne Johnson

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First off, I did not initially smell what “The Rock” was cooking.

For one, I hated wrestling. Back when I first discovered Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (who is now just Dwayne Johnson) about seven years ago when I was dating a guy who loved wrestling. I thought that was just about the tackiest thing in the world. I tried not to hold it against the dude, but man, fake sports? Lame.

His favorite wrestlers were The Rock, aka “The People’s Champion” aka “The Brahma Bull” aka “The King of Ridiculous Nicknames,” Stone Cold Steve Austin and some dude who would hit his crotch with his hands in a V-formation. I didn’t like that guy. But The Rock seemed like a charismatic enough fellow. I just couldn’t get over the wrestling thing.

Thank God he quit wrestling.

Johnson is not the greatest actor, but he’s the closest thing we’re going to get to an heir apparent to Ah-nuld Schwarzenegger. Schwarzenegger, also a mediocre actor, had a certain something, a look that said, “I could fuck shit up or be really hilarious, because, seriously, I’m ridiculous looking. I mean, look at these muscles and the thickness of my neck. I’m utterly ridiculous.”

Johnson is utterly ridiculous with “The People’s Elbow” and that crazy arching eyebrow thing he does. He’s Ah-nuld with an American accent, a more handsome and warm face and a lovely incognegro brown covering. He’s essentially delicious.

While he has to share some of his bona fides with fellow incognegro and potential Schwarzenegger clone, Vin Diesel, Johnson definitely gets more work or (more likely) he’s willing to take on more crappy work in-between the good stuff.

Johnson was supposed to be an NFL pro-baller. He was an incredible football player for the University of Miami, but a back injury killed his chances at a career. After poking around in the Canadian League (and getting cut from his team), he ditched his legitimate sports dreams altogether and hit the wrestling arena where his father, Rocky Johnson, had once reigned supreme.

His incognegro status comes from being one part black Canadian and one part Samoan. While it is obvious that Johnson is “brown,” as both black people and Samoans are known for their “permanent tans,” Johnson doesn’t quite look like a black American. Maybe it’s the nose or his protruding brow or his hairline or the overall, not-quite-black look of his facial area. I just didn’t see him as a Negro or even a half-Negro. I still don’t. But while searching for photos of him on the internet one site had his pictures tagged with the ethnicity of “black.” So, whatever. I don’t know if anyone ever asked the dude what he was since he seems pretty down with his black and Polynesian roots.

In most of his films he’s your racial “everyman.” Latino? Pacific Islander? North African? Negro? Who the fuck knows? In Disney’s “The Game Plan” they made sure to cast his “daughter” with a child actress who also fell into the “who the fuck knows” category. And Johnson will probably remain in on-screen racial limbo for the rest of his career.

I mean, how many roles are there out there where you can play 6’3″ Samoan?

He, quite famously, got $5.5 million dollars to star in “The Scorpion King,” and has starred in mostly action flicks, remakes and video game adaptations (“The Rundown,” “Doom,” “Walking Tall”) and even popped up in the highly anticipated Richard Kelly’s surrealist/sci-fi flick “Southland Tales.”

Like Schwarzenegger, Johnson is a Hollywood Republican. Unlike Schwarzenegger, Johnson is royalty. His mother, Ata Johnson, nee Maivia, came for a royal Samoan bloodline, leading Samoan King Malietoa Tanumafili II to bestow Johnson with the title of “Seiuli, Son of Malietoa” during a visit to Samoa in 2004.

Johnson dropped “The Rock” from his name in 2006 wanting to leaving wrestling behind completely and be seen solely as an actor. That was probably a good thing, but the not-quite Polynesian face with a quasi-black American name (I don’t know a lot of white dudes named “Dwayne,” but black guys? Hoards.), there’s still a bit of cognizant dissonance. But never mind. I’ll still go see “Get Smart” this summer anyway. He may be ridiculous, but he’s a hot, chiseled, royal incognegro sort of ridiculous and that’s something which everyone can partake.

Written by blacksnob

May 27, 2008 at 1:02 pm