The Black Snob

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David Alan Grier and DL Hughley Have New Comedy/News Shows, Should We Be Frightened?

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I guess it would be too much to ask Dave Chappelle to come back.

This doesn’t mean that I don’t think comedians David Alan Grier and DL Hughley deserve their own shows …

What am I saying? They’re the last two black comics who should have their own shows. Katt Williams should have his own show before these two and I’m not even a fan, so … seriously cable networks — Grier and Hughley?

It’s not that I didn’t think they could pull off a good show. I know they can’t pull off a good show. I watched most of Grier’s Chocolate News and Hughley’s DL Hughley Breaks the News through my fingers.

Both have the ability to be funny in their moments, but I don’t think Grier’s been funny since he stop directly working with someone for “Wayans” as a last name. And Hughley, to me, has never been funny. I’ve always found his comedy mean spirited, petty and unimaginative. (But he was really nice that one time I interviewed him for work!) But Comedy Central and CNN did not ask me which black comics would be good at a politically-based comedy show.

(Aisha Tyler, anyone? She’s smart and funny. Anyone! Did they even bother calling her? Chris Rock? Steve Harvey? Wanda Sykes? — Non sequitor: God, I’d LOVE to watch Wanda Sykes do a political comedy show with Aisha Tyler. They could invite Monique and do an all black girl parody of The View. Jasmine Guy could play the Barbara Walters character! Wait … no one steal my show idea! I have to make some phone calls!Marlon Wayans could do a show. Hell, even Sinbad or Arsenio Hall would have been good and both those guys need a second bite at the apple.)

But nope, no one asked me. So this is what we have:

A recent skit from Grier’s “Chocolate News” on “Thugs Against High Gas Prices.”

A clip of DL Hughley talking to Freddie Mac, not the mortgage giant, but “Ashy Larry” as Freddie the Mac Daddy of Federal Loan Financing.

Both shows are “edgy,” and by edgy I mean profane because, really, that’s appears to be the only kind of edgy that matters. Grier, while not exactly Eddie Murphy, manages to pull off playing a multitude of characters, but seeing him still makes me think of In Living Color and thinking of In Living Color only makes me wonder if Chocolate News would be more palatable to me if it was Damon and Keenan running the show again? Wouldn’t it be better to see seven black performers with a job rather than two? Or to just see all those Wayanses hire themselves to put on a show again? Yeah, “Little Man” was an embarrassment, but I say, c’mon, TV, give them another chance! They can be good again!

As for Hughley’s show I was amazed by the “shut your mouth bitches” line from Ashy Larry, if only because I’m watching CNN. It’s one thing to be wild and raunchy on Comedy Central, home of everything raunchy in comedy, they have no morals. They show Sarah Silverman with a potty mouth and a bed-wetting problem, South Park and that gross Kenny Versus Spenny thing that I hope to dear God was canceled.

Seeing Grier play a transsexual whose boob keeps popping out is actually at home in that environment. But Hughley is his own island on a network that is primarily about straight news. And it is surreal and painful to watch actual reporters interact with Hughley as opposed to joke reporters like the ones on Chocolate News and The Daily Show. Real reporters are not funny and I image the ones who showed up for Hughley’s premiere episode were wondering why CNN was wasting their news gathering time? You work hard, you pound the pavement, you pester sources and you beg your producer for camera time and this is what they give you?

Hughley seems out of place on the network, even if he did get a newsworthy nugget out of yet another defecting Republican, this time former Bush press secretary Scott McClellan who said last week that he is voting for Barack Obama on Hughley’s show. I hate to say this, but … Glen Beck’s show made more sense. Now, I don’t like Glen Beck and Beck has run off to FOX News, leaving his old gig at CNN Headline News, but Beck was/is supposed to be funny and did a political/news-of-the-day interview show that didn’t make me want to drink Drano. It would have made more sense for CNN to find someone not necessarily like Beck, but someone with his basic skills set, like Whoopi Goldberg, Dennis Miller or Lewis Black, heck, Eddie Murphy might do it if you ask nice enough, but someone who has the ability to be funny and can also pull off a decent interview.

Naturally, I wasn’t the only person “amazed” by Hughley’s show. Dr. Boyce Watkins (and many other critics, primarily black) are pretty much ready to grab the pitchforks and torches and send DL back to the comedy plantation from wince he came.

In the following clip, Watkins shouts out every black comedian as being cool-to-great with the exception of Hughley who he says he’s never been impressed by.

“You don’t bring a gun to a baby shower. You don’t put a liquor sign in a church,” Watkins gripes, before getting into the flip side of it, that CNN has had many black commentators and journalists, yet the first African American to get their own show on CNN is DL, a comedian. Watkins name drops Roland Martin, mentioning that he’s been on a regular on CNN for a while yet has no show.

Um … yeah. I noticed that too.

Here’s Watkins’ rant in full where he declares DL America’s latest “nappy headed ho” in reference to statements DL made during the infamous Don Imus/Rutgers Women’s Basketball team scandal. (Fast-forward to 1:52 minutes in to skip Watkins rambling about his recent trips around the country.)

Officially, as a lover of the First Amendment and a believer in our often messed up free market economy, I am all for Grier and Hughley getting the same opportunities to humiliate themselves and other black people on television just as countless individuals have done before. Their shows might get better. It might pave the way to Aisha Tyler eventually having her own show, but I’m probably not going to make the point to pencil in Hughley and Chocolate News as must-see-TV unless something revolutionary happens in the writing of the shows. These shows were not made for me.

Which takes me to Watkins’ other concern about DL — that this show, much like CNN’s “Black In America” and DL’s statements about Don Imus, aren’t for or about black people — that this is humor insulting black Americans to delight a non-black audience. Is Watkins right? Whereas I, the women at What About Our Daughters and Watkins saw something of concern, David Zurawik, a critic with The Baltimore Sun, thought the premiere showed promise.

(I)t looks like CNN could have a winner in its new comedy show, D.L. Hughley Breaks the News. And more important, Saturday night television and its audience could be enriched by Hughley’s engaging and non-conventional take on American life — if the cable channel gives the production time to mature and find its voice.

Is this a case of black Snobs like myself and Watkins being too hard on a pair of successful black comedians or is this yet another case of great for the performer, bad for all of blackness played out in front of a live studio audience yet again?

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Written by blacksnob

November 3, 2008 at 3:00 pm

BET Shrugged: Hudlin Is Gone, But Crap Remains

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Producer/filmmaker Reginald Hudlin left his perch as BET’s president of entertainment this week and I felt nothing.

Hudlin, and his older brother Warrington, were born and raised in the Metro East in Centreville, Ill. near East St. Louis, so I’ve always tried to keep an eye on their careers. In Hudlin’s three years with BET I can’t really have a response because there is simply no response for a network that devoid of substance. Hudlin brought a few things to the table, but at the end of the day, this is America and BET is owned by Viacom.

Bring on the reality shows that are clones from other Viacom reality shows on MTV from five years ago!

“From the moment he joined the BET family, Reggie infused our program development with incredible creativity, energy and passion,” BET chairman/CEO Debra Lee said in announcing Hudlin’s departure.

Under Hudlin, BET launched 17 of the top 20 highest-rated shows in the network’s 28-year history, including “Lil’ Kim: Countdown to Lockdown,” “American Gangster,” “Baldwin Hills,” “Sunday Best,” BET’s first scripted series “Somebodies” and the network’s highest-rated series ever, “Keyshia Cole: The Way It Is.” (The Hollywood Reporter)

I realize that the crappiness of BET is not entirely Hudlin’s fault. The BET Sux Movement existed before they got rid of Donnie Simpson and “Video Soul.” And the BET Sux Movement will not stop just because Hudlin left. This is just another battle of class and commerce in the black community.

Bougie black people complain that BET is degrading and part of the problem. BET says it’s just putting on what people want to watch. BET is owned by Viacom which wants to make money, so BET throws on stuff to appeal to the lowest common denominator in order to rack in the most viewers. Voila! Crap on television for bougie, churchy and all variety of black people who don’t like the term “video ho” to complain about.

Probably the most un-PC thing my mother says is something she heard often as a kid growing up — If you don’t want a black person to know something, put it in a book.

It’s harsh and not funny, but reflects the huge problem we have with anti-intellectualism in our community. It’s the same anti-intellectualism that runs through all of American culture, but feels like a pandemic in the black community. Throughout my life I’ve met people who are out-right hostile to the notion of “having an open mind” or “reading for pleasure.” And until Barack Obama started running for president, I didn’t know a lot of people who followed politics with any degree of seriousness.

Or voted with any degree of seriousness, for that matter.

Now, I don’t know how you make being smart sexy to people because even white people struggle with that. But they have an advantage in the fact that there’s simply more of them. All of the smart, quirky ones can just buy a Mini Cooper, move to a loft apartment in any American city and go hang out at the nearest, locally-owned coffeehouse with a copy of “The Kite Runner” and The New York Times and nerd mack for days over some chai tea and the latest Norah Jones, Jack Johnson or Dave Matthews Band CD.

They can just pretend the NASCAR, Toby Keith, hockey moms with monster trucks rallies, troglodyte-cum-philistine crowd doesn’t exist. They can stick their fingers in their ears and go “la-la-la” when someone tries to tell them the earth is only 6,000 years old.

Us black people, we’re a minority — we need each other. To get folks voted into office. To get all sorts of things done. There’s not as many of us in general, so there are even less nerdy, buppie, boho, bougie, snobby people running around. And heaven forbid anyone having a different opinion. Sacre bleu!

Even if you know some other college educated, chai tea sipping Negroes to kick it with, chances are if you are interested in worshiping Jesus or going to any event featuring some kind of athletics, barbecue, dancing, soul or hip hop music you are going to have to deal with some folks who may think you’re a pompous, know-it-all who doesn’t know a damn thing about what’s hot in the streets.

The only way to (almost) completely circumvent this unpleasantness is to immerse yourself fully in the alabaster diaspora of White Liberal Guilt Land, aka “Trendy-Part-of-the-City, USA,” being the “token” black guy/gal at the sushi bar or yoga studio or coffeehouse.

And this is why educated black people hate BET so much. Because we have this fantasy that if BET were either A) cleaned up or B) taken off the air, maybe we could get the entire race “off the pole.” It seems silly that if most black people are middle class why is there still a need to push this fetishization of urban crime and poverty onto our kids?

Oh yeah. That fetish makes money. Lots of money. Especially when sold to the non-black people who can’t get enough of it. The market has decided which part of blackness it wanted and it wanted to see less Wynton Marsalis. More Soulja Boy.

That said, Hudlin plans to return to his roots as a film producer. All I ask is that he be more responsible with that power than Tracey Edmonds.

Written by blacksnob

September 20, 2008 at 12:14 am

Obama: A Bound Man?

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A few people have sent me this video of Cornell West and Julianne Malveaux discussing Barack Obama’s historic acceptance speech at the Democratic National Convention.

In this interview with Tavis Smiley, the duo express disappointment, felling Obama dismissed the legacy of Martin Luther King Jr. by not “saying his name.” But their cries are really about Obama not wrapping himself in the Kente cloth of “The Movement.” But their logic is flawed. Obama has never presented himself as part of the Movement. He’s merely the byproduct of it. He never was a Civil Rights Activist, unlike Jesse Jackson, Obama is pure politician. He has some street cred as a community organizer, but his business, by and large, has been the business of any politician who’s aspired for higher office.

This almost returns us to the territory of the “is he black enough” question. It’s true that black people are often enamored with or drawn to political figures who make their mettle by getting into verbal fist fights with the establishment. They want to hear acknowledgment for those who cleared the path Obama has glided down. But when the prospects of becoming the “first black president” still conjures up images of fear in some, (Papa Snob often references Negrophobic nightmares of Michelle and Barack hosting the Rev. Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson for Christmas dinner at the White House, causing some white people to faint away.), Obama can’t afford to appear like the ones who came before him. He has to be different.

As much as I’d love to see him kicking ass and taking names in the name of “The Movement,” I understand today’s political realities. West and Malveaux shouldn’t hold their breath waiting on Obama to talk about “The Movement.” That talk is likely to never come. He cares, obviously, about minority issues, but to win this election, he can’t play on his minority status. He will always be a man bound in his efforts to ascend to the highest office in the land — just like any other candidate.

What do you think of the video?

Written by blacksnob

September 3, 2008 at 2:03 pm

UPDATE: Roland Martin, Michelle Obama and TV One’s Hour Long Interview

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Jack and Jill Politics reported Thursday that Michelle Obama would be resurfacing in an hour-long interview she’s to give to none other than radio host and CNN regular Roland Martin on TV One.

There’s not a lot of news leaking to be found of the interview but I seriously doubt that this thing is going to be hostile.

Now, TV One … which network is that again?

The interview will air at 8 p.m. on Sunday, Aug. 24. AOL’s Black Voices reports that Martin will talk with Michelle about everything “from the secret of her happy marriage to the surprising reason why she decided to support her husband’s pursuit of politics.”

Um … booooo. If I wanted to hear that I’d pick up a copy of one of the eleventy-billion magazines where she’s on the cover. You have to come harder than that, son. I need some dinner before desert and I’m sooo bored with desert Michelle. I want the Michelle that eats bacon and takes names. Would someone free Michelle O. from her own personal ‘shut the black lady up’ prison! Free! Free! Set her free!

Written by blacksnob

August 22, 2008 at 2:47 pm

Google Stalking TJ Holmes: Retroactively

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Retro sighing of TJ from last year.

An assist from reader, megthebar, who helped me procure this photo of TJ Holmes from The Morning News in Arkansas. TJ, like Mama Snob, is an Arkansan. He grew up in West Memphis and went to the University of Arkansas (Go Razorbacks!)

Holmes was in “The Natural State” to receive a special award for notable Arkansas Alumni. TJ receivedg the Young Alumni Award. The story first ran in the paper October 27 of last year.

Holmes, a native of West Memphis, received a bachelor’s degree in broadcast journalism in 1999 and now works as a news anchor for CNN in Atlanta. Before joining CNN in September 2006, his career took him to KSNF-TV in Joplin, Mo., KTHV-TV in Little Rock and NBC11 in San Francisco, the fifth market in the country. When Saddam Hussein was executed, T.J. Holmes brought the news into living rooms across the world, the same day that CNN also covered the memorial services of President Gerald Ford and James Brown. Sitting in the anchor chair for eight straight hours, Holmes took the lead as information came in fast and furious with no scripts. He describes it as the biggest and best day of his career.\

You can read the entire article here.

That said I have no idea if the woman TJ is pictured with is his girlfriend, wife or random chick. Her name is Dana Baxter. She appears to be very pretty. But this photo is old. As far as I know he’s single to mingle. I call dibs!

For more pictures of TJ, click here
To get caught up the all the Google Stalking pieces, click here.

Written by blacksnob

July 8, 2008 at 11:11 am

Die, Strong Black Woman, Die!

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The Snob tried being a “Strong Black Woman,” but it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.

That by the sole virtues of my race and gender I was supposed to be the consumate professional, handle any life crisis, be the dependable rock for every soul who needed me, and es the classic–require less from my lovers than they did from me because after all, I was a STRONGBLACKWOMAN and they were just ENDANGEREDBLACKMEN.

Retirement was ultimately an act of salvation. Being an SBW was killing me slowly.

Joan Morgan, “When Chickenheads Come Home to Roost”

When I first read the opening to this chapter years ago in some old, dusty copy of Essence Magazine it blew my then 22-year-old mind. To read someone finally acknowledging that the notion of the strong black woman was mythology. That we were not supremely capable of staying silent and taking on everyone else’s drama and pain. That I was not supposed to “do it all” and pretend like it wasn’t a burden. That I could not admit I needed help or love or support and was not allowed to fall apart because these are things black women don’t do.

Crying and crazy. That was for the white folks. Black people let their pain simmer and turn into rage or chemical dependence or death. It’s simply too shameful to say, “Help me. I’m drowning.” If you can’t save yourself you weren’t meant to be saved.

Despite reading Morgan’s words and agreeing with her, the pathology to be stalwart and unstoppable was so deep I found myself acting it out anyway–in my failed, youthful marriage. In those turbulent years afterwards when I battled with depression. Black women weren’t supposed to get “depression.” We don’t have mental illnesses. That’s a dirty word. You’re just supposed to try harder, bury yourself head first into the shit and keep tunneling even if what you were digging was your own grave.

Some of this mythology comes from slavery. Black women and men were equal in the fact that we were both beasts of burden. We were pack mules. We were chattel. We were not people. A black woman wasn’t supposed to have feelings. She wasn’t supposed to mourn the loss of her child, sold on an auction block or complain that “massa” raped her. She had no voice because her voice was in bondage. Like the black man, she was a commodity and this carried over pass slavery.

You just weren’t a woman. You were some resilient beast meant to drudge along. You were the bitch that refused to die. You fought back. You would not be denied. You would not be broken like a horse. You were strong because you had no other choice. That was your option after slavery, fight or die.

And we’re still living with remnants of that mentality.

White women, traditionally, had the opposite stereotype to live up to. They were supposed to be shy, delicate and demure. They were supposed to be submissive. They were put on a pedestal as the “origin of the species,” seen as delicate playthings, the extensions of their men. Of course, this too, was a myth. White women also worked, especially poor white women, in a time when people celebrated the nuclear family. Poor white women didn’t get to live out this Donna Reed fairy tale. But they did not share the burden of blackness where there was something in our inate being that said we could kick the world’s ass all on our own.

This mentality is killing black women. We have told ourselves that we are strong because we can raise children alone, never acknowledging that more often than not, raising children alone was not a choice. We are told we can’t cry, we can’t feel pain, we can’t break down. And those individuals who dare to crack the facade of indomitable black womanhood are ridiculed. They are told to get it together.

So what if your man left you, your mother died, you lost your job, your landlord put you out, you are sick, you are tired, your father abandoned you and your mother is cold. So what if you grew up poor or marginalized or neglected. So what if you feel unloved and unwanted. So what if you are filled of anger and self-hate and turn to alcohol and the worst of men for comfort. So what if you’ve considered suicide when the rainbow wasn’t enough. Shut up. Lock that shit up into a cage and hide it in the recesses of your mind. Burn it all so that the pain so your heart doesn’t grow back. Sew your mouth shut and hold your head high.

You’re a strong black woman. You need no man. You need no help. You need no love. You need no redemption.

As if you ever had a choice.

I had my first breakdown during my marriage. I was so unhappy, trapped with an uncaring, unmotivated man. I prayed for two hours to a God I didn’t know if I believed in or not. But I prayed that He, She, It would take this burden off my heart because I could not bare it.

Then when the marriage ended I thought I could just power through any lingering depression. I thought I could overcome. I moved to California before the divorce was final. I started going to the gym five times a week, be became obsessed with my physical appearance, yet my apartment had not been cleaned in months. I had not paid a bill and I was not eating. But I was a strong black woman. I was supposed to bounce back from a psychologically abusive relationship that broke my heart so badly I would passive aggressively take it out on men who were nice to me. I was in pain but I’d burned and salted the earth of my heart. I would not ask for help.

It took me, someone who didn’t drink in college and didn’t drink as an adult, to get wasted for the first time in Bakersfield, Calif. to realize something wrong. I had to get so completely wasted because I was in denial that I’d ever been married or hurt. I told myself I would not drink, per usual, but let the Lemon Drops and Whiskey Sours and cheap beers drizzle down my throat until I was euphoric. Despite my obsessions with looks and working out and my job, I had not been happy. But dancing freely, tossing my curly tresses around to music I don’t remember made me long for the days before I met my ex-husband, back when I could create this bliss all on my own.

I was so happy that the liquor had unburdened my mind that I did it again, and again, until I finally realized what I was doing.

I was not a strong black woman. I was a woman who needed help.

I could be broken. I could hurt. I could admit that my heart was so heavy and devastated, decimated, destroyed. I could admit that my finances were a mess and that my apartment was filthy and that I was obsessed with looking perfect at all times to hide the pain. Always smelling fresh and clean because I didn’t want people to sense, see, feeling my breaking down.

Everyone thought I was so happy when the anxiety attacks were so bad I was having Tequila for lunch.

That was years ago, and I have since gotten better, but it has not been easy. There was no easy way out of a depression I didn’t even want to admit existed. There was more pain. There have been set backs. But I’m not afraid to ask for help. I’m not afraid to admit that I made mistakes. I’m not afraid to admit my heart was broken.

I am not a “strong black woman.” I am “strong” in the sense that I will fight for what I believe in. I am “black” in the sense that is my ethnicity, my culture and my heritage. And I am a woman, fully formed like Athena bursting from Zeus’ skull. I am brilliant at times, charming even. Sometimes even like my old self, before my marriage. But I am not above human. I am not below human.

I am a woman.

And it’s OK, to just be that. Don’t burn up your soul and salt the earth, so that your feelings never grown back. Don’t become hardened and cold. Don’t shut down. Thought that chip on your shoulder may be a boulder, it is OK to stop and access. It is OK to break down.

You’re only human.

Written by blacksnob

May 16, 2008 at 7:00 pm

Amy Holmes, Let’s Be Friends

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Despite my best efforts to hate her because, um, everything she says is wrong. I love Amy Holmes.

Long, long ago on this blog I mentioned my desire to capture Amy Holmes, brainwash her and recruit her back to the black hand side. I don’t mind that she’s a conservative. That’s fine. Keep the conservatism. But I also know that she’s a registered independent who’s pro-abortion. She also went to Princeton. She was also born in Zambia. And she has a thing for Jews. (That’s cool too. I mean, I’d do Jon Stewart. Not Bill Maher though. He’s fuggly and I don’t touch things that have touched Karrine Steffans.) But I really, really like her. I know, a lot of you hate her. But I really, really do. I don’t know why. I just do. So, Amy, if you read this blog, here is my recruitment letter to you.

————————————————

Dear Amy Holmes,

Hey girl. Can I call you “girl”? Is that cool? Because I don’t know your level of “blackness.” Girl might be wrong. So I’ll call you Amy.

Amy, I know a lot of black libs and progressives are really, really hard on you because sometimes you can come off as a hateful bitch. I know. Sounds harsh. But it’s true. Yet somehow, I don’t believe your bitchatude. You just can’t convince me you’re evil. How can evil come in such an adorable package?

But that’s not what this letter is about. I want to recruit you to be a true independent. For reals. Because, let’s face it, you’re not William Bennett. You’re not Bill O’Reilly. You’re not Rush Limbaugh. You’re not Ann Fucking Coulter. You’re not even Mary Matalin (although you come close!) You don’t care about raising the capital gains tax or eliminating the estate tax. Let’s be real, Amy. Really real. You’re just doing this for the money.

I know you don’t want to admit it. But let’s face it. Independent, liberal-leaning blacks are a dime a dozen. There are like, a billion of those jocking to be on TV. And maybe you didn’t feel like duking it out with Donna Brazille because that would be like bring a knife to a gunfight. But say you’re a “Republican strategist” and suddenly your cute-as-a-button, afro princess face is everywhere. You’re in demand. “Get that cute black conservative girl!” the networks shout, “Her bitchatude is awesome!”

And it is. You’ve got bitchatude for miles. But I think you’re at a junction here where you can gracefully move closer to the center and become the poster girl for independent black women.

1) You hate Hillary Clinton. I’ve noticed that you’ve noticed that the tide has turned on black folks’ love affair with the Clintons. You can TOTALLY bond with Negroes over that. My God. That alone would endear you to millions.

2) You were born in Zambia. We like women from the motherland! Sure your dad split when you were a kid. But that just makes you a cute-as-a-button, conservative/independent version of Barack Obama. With a little elbow grease and that sparkling smile you could win over the hearts and minds of Negroes. We don’t care if you’re biracial. This is America. All black folks are lumped together whether they want to be lumped or not.

3) You went to Princeton. We need Ivy league Negroes! You could inspire some young sisters to go to college. Do you realize how many sisters would look up to you if you crossed over and talked about hard work, personal responsibility and hair products. And, by the way, what hair products do you use because I too have natural hair and yours looks stunning, I must say. Absolutely stunning.

CNN election-night stalwarts Amy Holmes and Jamal Simmons. Holmes said they coulda been the next Matalin & Carville, except “I love Jews!” (Does this mean Wolf Blitzer should be careful when approaching the pundit table? Nope — Holmes is happily dating a nice Jewish boy in Los Angeles. You’re safe for now, Blitzer.) Photo from Huffington Post

4) You don’t have to start loving all that Liberal stuff. We know you don’t like all of it. That’s cool. Most black people don’t like all of it either. You can TOTALLY disagree with Liberal stuff and still be cool with black people. I don’t care if you have some issues with “big government” and our education system. People NEED to talk about this shit any way. And you could talk about it from a place of love (like Bill Cosby) rather than from a place of whorish superiority (like Ward Connerly.) I know you can bridge that gap!

5) We can be BFFs! Seriously! I would be your friend. I’m being honest here. You seem like a nice person (when you’re not being a bitch on TV.) Even if we always didn’t agree on stuff, we could still kick it. I can get along with almost anyone and I think we have a lot in common. Really! I do. You look like a pretty big snob. We both have nice hair. We both have tons of white friends. We both think Jews are kind of hot. (Although I prefer the blacks, the Asians and the Incongnegroes. Woo. Someday Wentworth. Someday. And you tend to like your Jews kinda old. I don’t do that, but whatever. The heart wants what the heart wants.)

Also we can both talk right over people who we disagree with. I mean, just run their asses over like Steven King’s “Christine.” Fuck their POV! It’s about MINE, bitches! You survived being on “The View” a few times. I’ve survived watching “The View” a few times. Your pro-choice. I’m pro-choice. You’re a cute not-black-black-girl. I’m a cute 100 percent (but pale) black girl. You sometimes get shit wrong. You’re only human. I get shit wrong too! We’re both human! Yay!

6) You can totally not like Barack Obama and still get in there (even though I think you secretly like Barack Obama). Cornell West has issues with Barack and he’s black as hell. A lot of black folks have their issues with Barack. They thought he gave Rev. Wright the shiv. They think he doesn’t offers enough specifics. Some folks don’t trust him because he’s not the descendants of slaves. (Don’t worry, Amy. You’re half Zambian, but we can smooth that right over.) They think he doesn’t address enough black issues. They think he’s kowtowing to white people and apologizing too much for the “failings” of us darkies. And some are still Clintonistas (go figure). So really. You can criticize Obama and not all black people will want to beat the shit out of you. Some will. But not all.

7) We need more black Independents. God knows we need some different POVs in black America. We are not a monolith but the gatekeepers want to keep us as a monolith. We’ve got an ocean of mouthy black people who think alike and think they run shit who are populating the airwaves. I, personally, am sick of about half of them (Tavis). We’ve been experimenting with some things for about 30 years now (affirmative action, integration, welfare, etc.) that could use a fresh look. As long as you don’t come off like a crazed opportunist, once again, like Ward Connerly, you’re in like Flinn!

So, come on, Amy! Join The Snob Generation where black people can be smart, independent, educated, good looking, cultured, well-read, uppity and dignified. Be a SNOB, Amy. I know you’re probably a snob in the conventional sense. But be a BLACK SNOB. Take it up a notch.

If you don’t want to know The Snob Generation, that’s cool. I’ll still be your friend. We can still disagree when you go off on some hateful rant. I can ignore the fact you go on FOX News. I can just focus on what we have in common. The whole “educated, tons of white friends” thing. The afro thing.

But just think about it! You’ll still get to be on TV! Michelle Bernard of the Independent Womens’ Forum LIVES on Hardball with Chris Matthews. She plays both sides of the field without being a complete bitch. You can do it, Amy! You don’t have to carry that Republican water any more! Set yourself free!

And be a Snob.

Yours truly,

Danielle B. a.ka. “The Snob”

PS. Part of my desire for Amy to make that move to the center is that I’m a stan for every curly haired bandit on television. Seriously. Have natural hair on TV and I will love you no matter what foolishness comes out of your mouth. God knows, I love the shit out of Alison Stewart. Even when she was MTV News. She rocks.

Written by blacksnob

May 10, 2008 at 2:02 pm