The Black Snob

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Fashion Votes For Kerry Washington; Dwayne Gets Smart; and Will Smith Can’t Convince Me To See Hancock

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Tichina Arnold, Kerry Washington and Nicey Nash at the Fashion Votes gala, hosted by Washington

So many pictures of so many black people. I just couldn’t chose which was more important to put up — Kerry Washington looking ever-so-fetch in an Oriental accented silk dress, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson looking ever-so-delicious in a tux or the most recent fashion disaster Rihanna rocked on MTV.

I couldn’t resist. I blogged about them all!

FASHION VOTES

Kerry is so tiny and so adorable and so glowing that I want to murder her. I’ve never been able to pull off a silk anything as it makes me look like Chunky A. Like my back and stomach start to resemble rolls of Sacajawea coins. The fact that she can wear this pretty, flirty, little temptress number makes me feel very covetous. I like how the top half says modesty but the split up the side says, “The men all pause when I walk into the room.”

Kerry and designer Nanette Lepore

Alfre Woodard, I love you, but would it have killed you to try? It’s a fashion party, for goodness sake. Blond frizzy hair and a black headband says I’m hitting the gym, not posing next to timely election themed couture.

See, Alfre? Nicey Nash gets it. It’s a party. A sexy, fashionista party. Work a flower on the side of your head. Embrace fuchsia colored garments. Prop up your spectacular boobs. Do something!

Rockmond Dunbar. First off, I’m a big fan. Loved you on “Prison Break.” Sad that there’s been a dearth of Negroes on there ever since your character was sequestered away in the Witness Protection Program. (Wentworth Miller’s incognegroness does not count as he is not playing an incognegro on the show — as far as I can tell.)

While I think you’re muy, muy guapo, so guapo you could be on my Great Wall of Sexy, you don’t rock a hat as well as my murse lovin, bad boyfriend, Terrence Howard … but it was nice of you to try. Oh, Mr. Baby Wipes. Why can’t they all be as so fresh, so clean as you?

Tichina Arnold: Eh. She still tried harder than Alfre.

Miss Amerie seems to be suffering from the same “Ashy Larry” optical illusion that plagued Kerry Washington at Cannes last month. Like with Kerry, I do not believe Amerie actually left the house sans lotion, but without some sort of buttery sheen, brown legs will look like they’ve been “playing in flour” when photographed under such bright lights. You’re not doing your gams justice, girl. Use more Palmers.

That said, cute shoes. I like animal print in small doses. Now if only I could convince Kimora to do the same. Leopard doesn’t need to be on everything.

GET SMART

He was the best looking guy at the “Get Smart” premiere. And I’m not talking about the new Pink Panther Pimp, Terry Crews.

Oh, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. You’re so pretty and glowing that even your chin stubble is starting to look good to me. That twinkle. That smirk. The fact that you’re tall, buff and insanely good looking. I’d smell whatever you’d cook any day.

Dwayne and Get Smart star Steve Carell. I seriously hope this movie is funny. Or that there’s gratuitous amounts of The Rock and Anne Hathaway in it. Like, drenched in them. Like so sopping wet in his-and-her hotness that I’m too busy enjoying Dwayne’s handsome mug and her ability to make a burlap sack look good that I won’t even notice if Mr. Bruce Almighty’s latest shtick falls flat.

St. Louis’ own El Ced, Cedric The Entertainer. Once again, I love a man in a hat, but you sir are no Rockmond Dunbar. And I won’t even bring up Mr. Baby Wipes because his name shouldn’t even be typed next to yours. And a wooly plaid? In the summer time? Good day, sir!

C’mon. You know it. You love it. Admit it. You want that panther. That’s a powder pink that’ll make the panties drop with anticipation! And he’s rocking the three-button-down man-cleavage. And he brought his Jane Child-look-a-like, blond punk rock girlfriend (in white behind him). And he looks like he stole that suit from a New Jersey high school prom, circa 1978. You love it. You want it. I can feel you panting through the monitor.

What? You swear it’s not sexy?

BAM!

Now he’s holding his kid, Lil’ Terry Crews! Every thing’s hotter with kids. That’s what’s hot in the streets right now. Wearing pink three piece suits, showing off the man boobs while hoisting up your seed. YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT! Sure, Lil’ Terry is givin’ his dad the side-eye but I bet that has nothing to do with him having a flash forward to when he’s 16 and his dad whips out this photo to show his Homecoming date. After all, the light salmon suit says, “I’m matching with Daddy!” But the face says, “No, Daddy! God, no!

HANCOCK PREMIERE (US and FRANCE)

This movie had 10 billion commercials running during the NBA Finals and it never stopped looking stupid.

Will Smith and Charlize Theron played nicety-nice for the cameras in France this week while promoting their summer action blockbuster. While I’m not the biggest Will Smith fan I tend to like his vehicles. Loved the original “Bad Boys,” loved the America, fuck yeah cheesiness of “Independence Day,” loved “Hitch” and “The Pursuit of Happyness.” I even didn’t mind “Ali,” although the execution of that film was shitacular. But I have a “Men in Black II” feeling about this Hancock thing.

He’s a wayward, bad boy super hero. Really? He’s the bitter, drunken Superman. Is that so? Maybe this would be novel if The Punisher, Wolverine, Iron Man, Captain Jack Sparrow, HellBoy, Scud the Disposable Assassin and Howard the Duck didn’t already exist. Never mind that all the shit that is supposed to be snarky badassery in the trailers prompts copious eye rolling by moi. But I’m sure someone will plunk down a ten spot to sit through this well treaded ground.

My San Antonio Spurs former frog amour, Tony Parker and his wee petite wife Eva Longoria. We fake broke up after he married that desperate, diminutive Tex-Mex woodland sprite.

PLEASE DON’T STOP THE DRESSING THIS HORRIBLY

Rihanna is once again adorable from the neck up, but from down below I still hate her clothes. She chose to pop in at MTV’s TRL totally dressed like this.

No, baby, no. The boots! The pointy toed, spiderweb, Witches of Eastwick looking boots! The high-waisted baby doll dress with the tight, Jazzercise stretchy top! I swear, if I didn’t know better I’d think that Mama Tina was creating her wardrobe. Only I don’t know if Beyonce’s moms would be trying to help RiRi or sabotage her as, I love Mama Tina, but her clothes … not so much.

I hate it.

Oh sweet Lord, do I hate it. But the jacket is cute. Better luck next time.

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