The Black Snob

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Archive for the ‘Chris Matthews’ Category

Pat Buchanan: Dream-killer

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Mike Paul, Republican strategist, tells Pat Buchanan, unapologetic bastard, that the Republicans need to be a “big tent party” and reach out to the young, women and minorities. Pat’s all, “Um … no.” Then has a good laugh about it, doing his best to frustrate, confound and infuriate Paul, who (naturally) wishes there would be more than just him, Condi Rice, Michael Steele and Ron Christie at the holiday party. Pat is Pat and Paul takes offense. Insanity ensues and this time Chris Matthews didn’t have to do any heavy lifting. I can’t believe I forgot to post this last week!

Pat, who I “lovingly” call “The Bigot,” is notorious for not putting up any happy-talk when it comes to doing anything different from what they did in the Nixon Administration to get some black votes. Pat’s of the mind that if you can get your 12 to 20 percent, great. If you can’t, who cares? Why is he going to waste time winning over people he either:

A) Believes cannot be won over

B) Doesn’t want anyway

Pat all but told Paul, “Vote Republican! That’s great! Convince your friends and family! Go do that! Me? Me? I’m doing what I’ve always done. Jack shit. Because I don’t give a shit. No sir. I do not!

What’s “sad” is some … er … ill-informed conservatives have bashed Paul on the blogosphere for this above sparring with Buchanan, accusing him of supporting Barack Obama. I’m going to assume they based that on pigmentation only because between Paul, Ron Christie and Amy Holmes, I don’t know who was tripping over their feet the hardest to explain why electing Barack Obama would be a nightmare. I almost wanted to comment and defend Paul, then I remembered how I couldn’t stand him and stopped myself. “What am I doing!” I said as I started to type.

But, you know, I care. Even when I don’t agree. I care … about keeping the record straight. Besides, I don’t want them putting Mike Paul and The Snob on the same team.

PS. I’m still on vacation! Complain all you want, but Mariah and Nick will still be there until next Monday (because I wrote all the items two weeks in advance)!


Written by blacksnob

November 17, 2008 at 2:30 pm

Chris Matthews Predicts the Stylish Look of an Obama Administration

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I didn’t know Chris did fashion reporting too!

Sayeth The New York Times (via Gawker):

“Think of the Kennedys,” Mr. Matthews said, when asked the impact on Washington if Obama wins. “A mixed administration. Pragmatic. Some liberal tendencies, not overwhelming. Very tough. Very smart. Thin ties — are you looking at this?”

He demonstrated on his own black silk tie, folding it in half. “Well-turned-out men. No sloppiness. Just work.

“It will be zesty,” he added.

Chris also said over the weekend that he never wants this election to end. Um … shut your face. This bitch is ending! (Photo via NYT)

Written by blacksnob

November 3, 2008 at 1:00 pm

Chris Matthews Searches and Finds His Inner "Negro Lament"

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After the “O-mercial” Wednesday night, Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews sat down and had a little chat about it. After calling it effective and romantic Matthews, suddenly, as if reading from some stage play entitled “A Black Man’s Lament,” went into a lengthy rant how Barack Obama and the Obamas as a family have done EVERYTHING America has ever said black people needed to do, yet, some whites were still recalcitrant in accepting Obama, maybe more interested in forever moving the racial acceptance goal posts on “what a brotha has to do to be your new black BFF.”

Chris, apparently, so moved by the O-mercial, can’t take it anymore. If you still think Barack Obama isn’t American enough why … why … why … Chris Matthews doesn’t like you very much right now. As I said to a friend, “Chris has converted suddenly from Catholicism to Negroism … Like he went ‘THAT’S IT! I’ve gone black and I’m NEVER GOING BACK! Bring on the chittlins!‘”

(What’s an Irish brotha gotta do to get you to vote for Obama rant begins at 2:50 on the video clip.)

Written by blacksnob

October 31, 2008 at 4:00 pm

Hold Your Breath Until November

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I can almost see the gears turning in the Obama Campaign machine.

Nobody move. This son-of-a-bitch could implode all on its own.

Sometimes I wonder if John McCain wants to throw the election. One person can’t be this reckless, erratic and risky. This has to be performance art. There has to be a trick here, a method to this madness, yet we only see madness after madness.

Even conservative columnist Charles Krauthammer had to fill Barack Obama with backhanded praise for being the one of even temperament and intellect compared to McCain’s high wire, hail Mary circus act. For McCain there’s no problem a tacky gimmick can’t fix. There is no gawdy, grandiose display of “Country First” that’s too shallow, disingenuous or shady. The wheels came off a long time ago, but he’s still sliding around, getting by on what is left of his formerly good name. Relying on culture wars and the “us versus them” that he’s never engaged in with any authenticity to get him through.

Because John McCain isn’t a true believer. That’s the main philosophical difference between him and George W. Bush. He’s a war hawk and a free market lover and a hater of graft (ever since his career was almost destroyed by his involvement in the Savings and Loan debacle in the 1980s). But he’s not a culture warrior. He’s not Pat Buchanan or Phyllis Schlafly. He’s not some Bible-thumping, Jesus-quoting, gay-bashing, master of divide and conquer rhetoric.

Everyone is expecting McCain to become increasingly desperate and dirty if the trend of Obama pulling away continues. People are predicting a dusty return to Rev. Jeremiah Wright (which would be pathetic) and more attempts to tie Obama to William Ayers (which would be the apex of pathetic).

The operatives and pundits recite all on cue that McCain is near the nadir of his campaign, a depth which he may descend to and never dig out of. Chris Matthews remains one of the few TV yakkers who can’t let go of the fact that McCain’s no. 2, Gov. Sarah Palin gave a “spelling bee-esque” performance that could have been done by any well coached grad student. That there was no thought in her answers, just the reciting of talking points and when those failed her, the rambling of words, a stream of consciousness that muddled the McCain’s position on gay rights and the role of the vice presidency.

Did she really mean that the vice president needed more constitutional powers? Was she just bullshitting to get through the two minutes? Could it really be a success, Matthews bellowed if she kept having to look at her notes and had to rely on winks and declaring that she wouldn’t answer the questions as asked no matter what, how could that be deemed a success? All politicians evade answers, he said, but few announced from jump that they would be doing so.

How could the pundits see a tie when all the polls said American saw an overwhelming victory by Sen. Joe Biden, even though their feelings towards her general intelligence and capabilities went from zilch to, “Oh, I guess she was just a little nervous when she bungled those elementary questions CBS News Anchor Katie Couric asked. She seems chipper now. She’s talking loud and saying nothing, but she’s standing on her hind legs and being assertive. Attaboy!”

More than once, Matthews, and many others have simply wondered allowed what on earth is going on in the McCain campaign? Why did every night appear to be amateur night for a veteran politician? All the Obama campaign has to do is lie in the wings and wait. McCain was doing the heavy lifting, dismantling his own campaign exploding brick by exploding brick for Barack.

I’m sure Barack appreciates it too. He needs a “Bradley Effect” buffer. He’ll take every fumble and foible. Those ahead don’t fall over the one behind. He can see the tip of McCain’s sword and is anticipating a fall. No one fully trusts it, but that is the impression given.

Him pulling out of Michigan. Rumors he may pull out of Pennsylvania. The fact that his number one surrogate, his running-mate, can’t do TV interviews. Hardliners pushing for McCain to play Rev. Wright’s greatest hits one last time, but rumors that McCain likely won’t, depending on the RNC and 527 groups to do the muckwork. The George Will Revolt, which continues despite Palin’s make-up exam, with conservative critics suddenly turning on their nominee as if they’ve already declared him dead in the street. They talk as if he’s already gone.

But sometimes they come back.

So we’re left watching, waiting, staring not wanting to make one false move before November. We want to hasten the fall, but we don’t want to delude ourselves into thinking the hard work is don. So we wonder what’s next? No one could be this bad on purpose, we ponder. This has to be a trick.

I don’t necessarily think this is a trick. These are the acts of distraction by a desperate man trying to break through the albatrosses of President Bush and the tarnished Republican brand. He’s trying to survive a collapsing economy and discontent over two wars. He’s trying to argue why a Republican can fix the mess a Republican president created. That they are not two of a kind. That he is not “McSame.” This is how you act when you’re coming from behind. Throw everything, do everything — something has to work. There’s no method to this madness. It’s just madness. But just because they are desperate acts of insanity doesn’t mean they won’t work.

Written by blacksnob

October 4, 2008 at 3:41 pm

Gawker Wants MSNBC to Stay Nutters

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Well. It is more fun to watch. Reasons why? Gawker writer Pareene pens that Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann are smart, the change to David Gregory won’t shut up conservative critics and bitchery makes good TV.


Remember how conservatives have spent 100 years decrying the liberal bias of CNN? The CNN that is now represented by the apolitically moronic Wolf Blitzer and the inoffensive cuddly unicorn Anderson Cooper? Both of whom are useless and boring at covering politics? This won’t shut up any critics, at all. Show some fucking backbone.

… We already called Blitzer a moron, and we meant it. The man’s journalistic expertise is limited to an ability to stand up for a long time and babble at length without too much dead air. Matthews and Olbermann are blowhards and egomaniacs, yes, and they’re far too pleased with themselves when they do something like reference some 70-year-old Capra movie, but they actually know a lot about history and politics.

Written by blacksnob

September 8, 2008 at 4:40 pm

Newsroom Apocalypse

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MSNBC’s facade is cracking in the ugliest way in a little game of “my ego is bigger than God’s”

It’s been nine months in the making.

Since the night of the Iowa caucuses I wondered how long perennial third-runner-up cable news network MSNBC could last with two of its biggest personalities anchoring their campaign coverage.

Now the grand, dysfunctional marriage of Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann is no more.

The New York Times:

MSNBC tried a bold experiment this year by putting two politically incendiary hosts, Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews, in the anchor chair to lead the cable news channel’s coverage of the election.

That experiment appears to be over.

After months of accusations of political bias and simmering animosity between MSNBC and its parent network NBC, the channel decided over the weekend that the NBC News correspondent and MSNBC host David Gregory would anchor news coverage of the coming debates and election night. Mr. Olbermann and Mr. Matthews will remain as analysts during the coverage.

The change — which comes in the home stretch of the long election cycle — is a direct result of tensions associated with the channel’s perceived shift to the political left.

“The most disappointing shift is to see the partisan attitude move from prime time into what’s supposed to be straight news programming,” said Davidson Goldin, formerly the editorial director of MSNBC and a co-founder of the reputation management firm DolceGoldin.

While I enjoy the ham fisted, bludgeoning style of Chris Matthews and the colorfully crazy, die hard Liberalism of Keith Olbermann in their separate parts, together they were trainwreck television. This was compounded by the fact that opinionated pundits-cum-partisans should not anchor news coverage.

I don’t care if Matthews considers himself a bipartisan pugilist or that Olbermann has such an enormous, self-righteous stick up his ass that primary nights turned him into some faux Edward R. Murrow. If you give your opinion on television professionally and dress it as news (paging Bill O’Reilly) you shouldn’t host something that is supposed to be straight-up, no chaser hard news.

The same goes for every cable network, from FOX News to CNN, who both like to truck out the occasional hacky host to toss in their two cents on a serious political news story. I don’t know how many times I’ve been disgusted to see Lou Dobbs wandering around the election desk at CNN posing questions to the pundits when he, himself, is a pundit and should be sitting down at the desk with Donna Brazile and Amy Holmes and Carl Bernstein.

Olbermann and Matthews are MSNBC’s biggest stars. For a long time Matthews was their only headliner, but as they’ve lurched to the left to counter FOX News’ hard right spin (while denying they are doing such) they have front-loaded the network with professional spin misters — some good, some awful — from rebel, ousted Republican congressman Joe Scarborough, professional asshat Tucker Carlson (who’s show was canceled), the Liberally nice but clueless Dan Abrams (also canceled), recently hired, Air America rising star Rachel Maddow. Matthews’ stalwart beat down of show “Hardball” used to be the cornerstone, but now Olbermann’s “Countdown” is the glorious, Lefty beacon the network has bet the farm on.

The New York Times:

Mr. Olbermann, a 49-year-old former sportscaster, has become the face of the more aggressive MSNBC, and the lightning rod for much of the criticism. His program “Countdown,” now a liberal institution, was created by Mr. Olbermann in 2003 but it found its voice in his gnawing dissent regarding the Bush administration, often in the form of “special comment” segments.

As Mr. Olbermann raised his voice, his ratings rose as well, and he now reaches more than one million viewers a night, a higher television rating than any other show in the troubled 12-year history of the network. As a result, his identity largely defines MSNBC. “They have banked the entirety of the network on Keith Olbermann,” one employee said.

But the historic 2008 presidential race revealed NBC’s redheaded cable stepchild to be like “a heroin addict … They’re living from fix to fix and swearing they’ll go into rehab the next week.”

The Huffington Post has covered the testy battle, blow-for-blow, for months, bringing things to a fever pitch since the convention coverage began. Dubbing it “MSNBC Implosion.”

On August 25 of the Democratic Convention Olbermann derided Scarborough on air while he was defending Republican candidate John McCain suggesting “Jesus, Joe, why don’t you get a shovel?” followed up later with Matthews remarking, “Are we done?”

This was followed up 12-hours later with a juvenile, but frustrated screed from Scarborough in an exchange with reporter David Shuster on Scarborough’s show “Morning Joe.”

Shuster touched a nerve when he called Scarborough a Republican in a fairly pointless fight over the Iraqis wanting the US out. Scarborough has some famously bitter relations with his political party and was upset that Shuster would target him for being partisan, later telling NPR he “get[s] frustrated by people who have an obvious partisan bias that don’t proclaim that bias. (Politico)”

Per Politico and YouTube the “uncomfortable” nearly seven minute exchange devolved into this:

On “Morning Joe” the following day, a clearly agitated Scarborough went off on Shuster during a discussion of Iraq, which quickly devolved over several cringe-worthy minutes into personal attacks, such as Scarborough telling the world how his colleague missed the show three times by oversleeping. “Are you Rip Van Shuster?” Scarborough asked. “Have you been sleeping for the past couple of months?”

But Scarborough, a former Republican congressman from Florida, became enraged when Shuster made a reference to “your party.” Asked by Scarborough what his party was, Schuster said he was an “independent.”

“I feel so comforted by the fact that you’re an independent,” Scarborough said, in a mocking tone. “I bet everybody at MSNBC has independent on their voting cards. Oh, we’re down the middle now.” (Shuster left the set, but returned later to hug it out, “Entourage”-style.)

Then Aug. 26, the following day, THIS occurred.

It was scenes like this that made me long for the sheer banality of Wolf Blitzer and the nebbishness of the-man-who-is-not-Democrat-Donna-Brazile’s “boo”Anderson Cooper.

Soon the rumor mill — and not so rumor mill — kicked up a few thousand notches: Olbermann allegedly trying to get legendary network anchor Tom Brokaw banned from the cable network because he’d called them out on their smashmouth coverage.

“I think Keith has gone too far. I think Chris has gone too far,” the veteran NBC newsman said at a forum sponsored by Harvard’s Shorenstein press center. But Brokaw said that they are “commentators” and “not the only voices” on MSNBC and that viewers could sort it out.

“The idea of anyone trying to ban Tom Brokaw is ludicrous,” said one MSNBC staffer.

At a forum, Pennsylvania Gov. Ed Rendell accused the network out for being in the tank for Barack Obama’s campaign. Olbermann was then accused of cock-blocking conservative NBC consultant Mike Murphy, wanting him off the network. Various sources began alleging that Olbermann turned into a power hungry, egocentric nightmare who could get away with murder. His bosses allegedly defended him in public, but bitched about his rumored prima donna behavior in private.

Then came the Republican National Convention coverage where not-so-strangely Olbermann stayed and anchored in New York while Matthews went to St. Paul, Minn.

There Olbermann apologized to viewers on behalf of the RNC for a 9-11 tribute video he saw as gratuitous, showing more 9-11 terror footage than most news networks. As a whole, all news networks have avoided showing the carnage in any large amount since 2002. Olbermann had a strong visceral and emotional reaction recalling how he lost friends in the tragedy and saw the video as too much for anyone who had emotional ties to the attack.

While Olbermann had a point in the gratuity and exploitive nature of using footage of terrorist attacks in a tribute video, apologizing for the footage was yet again another intrusion of his opinion into the campaign coverage. The issue would have been better served if the commentators they’d employed were asked their opinions about the veracity of the video rather than become self-righteous as Olbermann is prone to do.

Then there was the not-too-subtle partisan slant that was developing in the evening campaign coverage.

Nobody, including all of MSNBC, believes (MSNBC President) Phil Griffin when he says “MSNBC does not have an ideology … We hire smart people who are passionate about their love of politics and love of news.” Says one veteran off-camera staffer: “Bullshit … It’s a total farce.” It’s a shame that MSNBC can’t own up to the way it’s leaning, if only because now it can’t separate itself from the same charges aimed at Fox News — that it leans one way politically but pretends to be balanced. (Jossip)

Even former CBS Evening News co-anchor, former MSNBC staffer and all-around whackadoo Connie Chung was calling for this white male testosterone, nerdy fueled crew to “grow up.”

And you know if Chung says you’ve hit rock bottom you’ve got issues.

But the coup du grace came when The Daily Show’s Jon Stewart proclaimed the MSNBC drama was “‘Lord of the Flies’ on the NBC roof! I wonder which one has the conch and which one is Piggy?”

Naming all the principle players after characters from The Muppet Show — Matthews and Olbermann became balcony bickers Statler and Waldorf, Scarborough – Sam the Eagle and Shuster as “Beeker,” likely for his beyond annoying voice.

It’s funny, brutal and sadly true, leading us to Sunday night’s breaking news that all is over.

Olbermann and Matthews will be mere commentators, as they should be, and David Gregory, NBC political reporter, will host the upcoming debates and additional evening campaign coverage on the cable network.

Gregory is one of the journalists rumored to be up for Tim Russert’s job as host of NBC’s Meet the Press.

Love or hate Gregory, at least he’s a professional. I’m rather indifferent about him, but anyone who asks hard enough questions to get George W. Bush and White House Press Secretary Dana Perino flummoxed is good enough for me. I never understood why NBC didn’t use its better talented but undeserved employees to do the heavy lifting for MSNBC anyway?

Why have the Today Show/Dateline’s Ann Curry play Vanna White when she could carry the election coverage herself? And I’m not just suggesting Ann Curry because, jokingly, I often refer she is the cocaine and strawberries of Hapa journalists. She actually has talent.

Or Ed Bradley Award for Journalistic Hotness runner-up and weekend Today host Lester Holt. What’s he doing? Hire back Bryant Gumbel. Steal Soledad O’Brien from CNN. They don’t know what to do with her anyway. What happened to the $7 million man, my fellow St. Louisan Stone Phillips? Steal my other fellow St. Louisan and Ed Bradley Award for Journalist Hotness runner-up Russ Mitchell from CBS? Where’s more war reports from war hottie Richard Engel? What’s Kevin Corke doing? Use more Chuck Todd, for heavens sake!

Get someone legitimate. Stop stocking your morning broadcasting with bland, uninteresting pretty faces. Stop being so blatantly partisan that even FOX is mocking you. Get a hold of yourselves!

I like Olbermann. I like Matthews. Hell, I even like Scarborough and I almost never agree with him. I love Rachel Maddow. All you need to do is hire some serious minority journalists/commentators to host (like occasional “Countdown” stand-in, former MTV reporter and former NPR host Alison Stewart.) Put my favorite pundit I love/hate Amy Holmes on Morning Joe. Stick Michelle Bernard anywhere to balance out a ticket. I love her weave and her bitchatude (like Holmes’) is awesome.

And Ann Curry. Seriously. Put Alison Stewart, Ann Curry, David Gregory, steal Russ Mitchell and bring back the Gumbel and you’ll finally have some meat on those skinny news bones.

I’m a journalist first, a lefty second. Let’s stop freebasing The Nation magazine, Media Matters and Jonathon Kozol books and get back to what real broadcast journalism is — a loopy dance between objectivity and entertainment.

I love Keith to bits, but a viewer can’t live on Bush Hate alone.

Written by blacksnob

September 8, 2008 at 1:08 pm

Satire: Drug of Choice

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A few weeks ago I wrote this mini-satirical play after writing about the media’s obsession with The Clintons, particularly Chris Matthews‘ obsession with them, and how-oh-how would they get high without their “Clinton Crack.” It still seemed relevant since the media has started to transfer off the Clinton Crack to 24-7 Obama Obsession. Since I’m a tad busy today, and this bit didn’t quite fit for the SCAN blog, I thought I’d share with you my ode to political press addiction starring Matthews, political pundit Andrea Mitchell and MSNBC’s Countdown host Keith Olbermann:

It’ll Get You High.”

Setting: MSNBC studios. Chris Matthews is sitting at the “Hardball” set reading through the script while Andrea Mitchell sits across from him also reading her notes. Both look a little out of sorts, especially Andrea who keeps scratching herself and is sweating profusely. They both look jittery and stressed as they prepare for tonight’s show.

Chris Matthews: (Reading over his script for “Hardball”) Tonight! Surrogates gone wild? Jesse Jackson is caught making an off air mumble that’s become a mess for … I (slamming down the script) … I can’t do this. It’s just … it’s just not the same! I need my Clinton Crack! (scratching underarms) I’m jonesing over here! Look, Andrea! My face is all bloated and red!

Andrea Mitchell: (Involuntarily twitching) Your face is always bloated and red, you ignominious bastard! There would still be some Clinton Crack if you hadn’t smoked it all!

Chris: (To himself) I can’t go back.

Andrea: (Wiping nose, suddenly calm) I sometimes huff paint thinner.

Chris: Really? Does it work?

Andrea: It’ll get you high. I mean, if you’re desperate.

Chris: I don’t know. You said that about Romney refeer and all it did was make me gain 20 pounds and buy a bunch of Marie Osmond records. I guess I could try that Brangelina stuff, but that seems more like a kid’s party drug.

Andrea: I lost 10 pounds doing Brangelina, but I also stopped sleeping, had sex with Billy Bob Thorton and adopted six Ugandan orphans.


Keith Olbermann enters the set, walking by, looking peppy.

Chris: How do you do it Keith? Your eyes are always so glassy and you always look so happy, despite being nebbish and tense and kind of killjoy. What are you on? And don’t say Ron Paul freebase because Jack Cafferty sold me a sack of that shit and it does not work!

Keith looks left-to-right then leans in to take a seat next to Chris and Andrea.

Keith Olbermann: (whispers) I have something TEN TIMES more potent than Clinton Crack.

Chris: I’m interested.

Keith: Obama Opium.

Chris: Opium? They still make that?

Keith: No. Not just regular opium. Obama Opium. It’s the main ingredient in Black Tar Heroin.

Chris: I think they liked to be called African American now.

Keith: What?

Chris: It would be African American Tar Heroin. You know? I thought you were more racially sensitive than that? Whatever. Forget about it. Tell me about the drugs. Where did you get it?

Keith: Well, you can’t tell anyone.

Chris: This is just between you me and Andrea.

Andrea: (twitching) Did you just say you had some Clinton Crack?

Keith: No.

Andrea: Because we’d have some if Chris hadn’t smoked it all!

Chris: I get it, Andrea! I’m a fat bastard. All right, Keith. Tell us. Where did you get the stuff?

Keith: (mumbles) Muurrr-murrrr.

Chris: What? Speak up. Why are you mumbling?

Keith: Sean Hannity.

Chris: What?

Keith: I got it through Alan Combs from Sean Hannity. I was desperate. It so hard to act like I give a shit night after night. I just needed a little something to take the edge off. I used to snort that Bush Blow, but it doesn’t work like it used to. Plus it made me really, really angry. Or maybe that was just the Rove ‘Roids. I was trying to lose weight. I just needed something to even me out and Combs told me Sean was smoking the Big O every night. He hooked me up.

Chris: Does it work?

Keith: Oh (smiling) … it’ll get you high.

Chris: Can you boil it down like real Heroin because I just want to take a shot of Barack and put it in a hypodermic needle and shoot it right into my eye ball?

Keith: I think I have a spoon around here somewhere.

Chris: I’m excited about this. I mean, I’ve been using Clinton Crack since 1992. It was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. But I only partied with it. Nothing serious. Then one day, boom, it was gone. I forgot about it. Didn’t touch anything. But then they came back. And there was just so much of it. I didn’t really pace myself. So … so I’m in deep shit. I mean. I gotta have it. I need it. I want it. But they cut me off. I asked James Carville two months ago if I could get 5 grams of Bubba for $50 and that son-of-a-bitch said “Drug store’s closed.” Can you believe that? Drug store’s closed! I’ve had to get my Clinton Crack through Andrea ever since.

Andrea: Alan got me hooked.

Keith: Alan Combs?

Andrea: Alan Greenspan. They still talk sometimes.

Keith: (to Chris while cooking the drugs) Don’t go crazy with this. Alan said Hannity’s been hitting it so hard he almost OD’ed while watching some Rev. Wright footage Sunday. He’s sobriety partners with Rush Limbaugh now.

Chris: I bet Rush does a lot of this stuff.

Keith: Nah. He’s on Nicorette and OxyContin-laced Twinkies dipped in embalming fluid now.

Andrea: They call them “RushBaughs.” I tried that once and I woke up fully dressed in a bathtub full of water after a party at Brian Williams’ house. Brian doesn’t do drugs but Willard Scott was passing them out. I just thought they were hor’ devours. One minute I was dancing to Starland Vocal Band and making out with Ann Curry, then the next I was up to my neck in warm, soapy water. It was sooo awkward when Brian asked me to pass him the soap. He has very nice abs for such a boring man.

Keith: Wait … he was?

Andrea: He said he didn’t want to wake me, but regained consciousness when my head slipped underwater and I almost inhaled his loofah. And that’s not a euphemism. I was actually gagging on a his sponge.

Keith finishes cooking the Obama Opium and draws it into a hypodermic needle.

Keith: You kissed Ann Curry? What was that like?

Andrea: She tasted like cocaine and strawberries.

Chris: (Annoyed) Enough with the chit chat! Let’s do this. (Rolls up sleeve and ties belt around forearm) Get me high, mother fucker!

Written by blacksnob

July 15, 2008 at 2:35 pm