The Black Snob

Politics. Pop Culture. Pretentiousness.

Archive for the ‘Dwayne Johnson’ Category

Fashion Votes For Kerry Washington; Dwayne Gets Smart; and Will Smith Can’t Convince Me To See Hancock

with 11 comments

Tichina Arnold, Kerry Washington and Nicey Nash at the Fashion Votes gala, hosted by Washington

So many pictures of so many black people. I just couldn’t chose which was more important to put up — Kerry Washington looking ever-so-fetch in an Oriental accented silk dress, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson looking ever-so-delicious in a tux or the most recent fashion disaster Rihanna rocked on MTV.

I couldn’t resist. I blogged about them all!

FASHION VOTES

Kerry is so tiny and so adorable and so glowing that I want to murder her. I’ve never been able to pull off a silk anything as it makes me look like Chunky A. Like my back and stomach start to resemble rolls of Sacajawea coins. The fact that she can wear this pretty, flirty, little temptress number makes me feel very covetous. I like how the top half says modesty but the split up the side says, “The men all pause when I walk into the room.”

Kerry and designer Nanette Lepore

Alfre Woodard, I love you, but would it have killed you to try? It’s a fashion party, for goodness sake. Blond frizzy hair and a black headband says I’m hitting the gym, not posing next to timely election themed couture.

See, Alfre? Nicey Nash gets it. It’s a party. A sexy, fashionista party. Work a flower on the side of your head. Embrace fuchsia colored garments. Prop up your spectacular boobs. Do something!

Rockmond Dunbar. First off, I’m a big fan. Loved you on “Prison Break.” Sad that there’s been a dearth of Negroes on there ever since your character was sequestered away in the Witness Protection Program. (Wentworth Miller’s incognegroness does not count as he is not playing an incognegro on the show — as far as I can tell.)

While I think you’re muy, muy guapo, so guapo you could be on my Great Wall of Sexy, you don’t rock a hat as well as my murse lovin, bad boyfriend, Terrence Howard … but it was nice of you to try. Oh, Mr. Baby Wipes. Why can’t they all be as so fresh, so clean as you?

Tichina Arnold: Eh. She still tried harder than Alfre.

Miss Amerie seems to be suffering from the same “Ashy Larry” optical illusion that plagued Kerry Washington at Cannes last month. Like with Kerry, I do not believe Amerie actually left the house sans lotion, but without some sort of buttery sheen, brown legs will look like they’ve been “playing in flour” when photographed under such bright lights. You’re not doing your gams justice, girl. Use more Palmers.

That said, cute shoes. I like animal print in small doses. Now if only I could convince Kimora to do the same. Leopard doesn’t need to be on everything.

GET SMART

He was the best looking guy at the “Get Smart” premiere. And I’m not talking about the new Pink Panther Pimp, Terry Crews.

Oh, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. You’re so pretty and glowing that even your chin stubble is starting to look good to me. That twinkle. That smirk. The fact that you’re tall, buff and insanely good looking. I’d smell whatever you’d cook any day.

Dwayne and Get Smart star Steve Carell. I seriously hope this movie is funny. Or that there’s gratuitous amounts of The Rock and Anne Hathaway in it. Like, drenched in them. Like so sopping wet in his-and-her hotness that I’m too busy enjoying Dwayne’s handsome mug and her ability to make a burlap sack look good that I won’t even notice if Mr. Bruce Almighty’s latest shtick falls flat.

St. Louis’ own El Ced, Cedric The Entertainer. Once again, I love a man in a hat, but you sir are no Rockmond Dunbar. And I won’t even bring up Mr. Baby Wipes because his name shouldn’t even be typed next to yours. And a wooly plaid? In the summer time? Good day, sir!

C’mon. You know it. You love it. Admit it. You want that panther. That’s a powder pink that’ll make the panties drop with anticipation! And he’s rocking the three-button-down man-cleavage. And he brought his Jane Child-look-a-like, blond punk rock girlfriend (in white behind him). And he looks like he stole that suit from a New Jersey high school prom, circa 1978. You love it. You want it. I can feel you panting through the monitor.

What? You swear it’s not sexy?

BAM!

Now he’s holding his kid, Lil’ Terry Crews! Every thing’s hotter with kids. That’s what’s hot in the streets right now. Wearing pink three piece suits, showing off the man boobs while hoisting up your seed. YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT! Sure, Lil’ Terry is givin’ his dad the side-eye but I bet that has nothing to do with him having a flash forward to when he’s 16 and his dad whips out this photo to show his Homecoming date. After all, the light salmon suit says, “I’m matching with Daddy!” But the face says, “No, Daddy! God, no!

HANCOCK PREMIERE (US and FRANCE)

This movie had 10 billion commercials running during the NBA Finals and it never stopped looking stupid.

Will Smith and Charlize Theron played nicety-nice for the cameras in France this week while promoting their summer action blockbuster. While I’m not the biggest Will Smith fan I tend to like his vehicles. Loved the original “Bad Boys,” loved the America, fuck yeah cheesiness of “Independence Day,” loved “Hitch” and “The Pursuit of Happyness.” I even didn’t mind “Ali,” although the execution of that film was shitacular. But I have a “Men in Black II” feeling about this Hancock thing.

He’s a wayward, bad boy super hero. Really? He’s the bitter, drunken Superman. Is that so? Maybe this would be novel if The Punisher, Wolverine, Iron Man, Captain Jack Sparrow, HellBoy, Scud the Disposable Assassin and Howard the Duck didn’t already exist. Never mind that all the shit that is supposed to be snarky badassery in the trailers prompts copious eye rolling by moi. But I’m sure someone will plunk down a ten spot to sit through this well treaded ground.

My San Antonio Spurs former frog amour, Tony Parker and his wee petite wife Eva Longoria. We fake broke up after he married that desperate, diminutive Tex-Mex woodland sprite.

PLEASE DON’T STOP THE DRESSING THIS HORRIBLY

Rihanna is once again adorable from the neck up, but from down below I still hate her clothes. She chose to pop in at MTV’s TRL totally dressed like this.

No, baby, no. The boots! The pointy toed, spiderweb, Witches of Eastwick looking boots! The high-waisted baby doll dress with the tight, Jazzercise stretchy top! I swear, if I didn’t know better I’d think that Mama Tina was creating her wardrobe. Only I don’t know if Beyonce’s moms would be trying to help RiRi or sabotage her as, I love Mama Tina, but her clothes … not so much.

I hate it.

Oh sweet Lord, do I hate it. But the jacket is cute. Better luck next time.

Advertisements

Rihanna And the Attack of the Ugly Outfits In Canada and Other Hit or Miss Celebrities

with 16 comments

I didn’t run my celebrity photo essay on Friday (I was helping a friend out that day. She’s pregnant and I offered to help out around the house.) So this is a make-up feature with some new material from over the weekend. Including an Essence gala feature Kanye West’s ex-fiancee Alexis Phifer, notables frightening me at Canada’s Much Music Awards and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson looking delicious but needing a shave.

Per usual, I encourage you to add your own observations to the hit parade.

ESSENCE MAGAZINE PONDERS “IF LOOKS COULD KILL”

Aspiring designer and ex of Kanye, Alexis Phifer kind of looks like MTV’s Real World Los Angeles alum Tami Roman in this picture. I don’t know how to feel about the dress, which is kind of cute on her, but also reminds me of toilet paper.

Keyshia Cole. She’s cute, but I’m not feeling the anything she has on.

I have no idea who this “Mashonda” person is, but she’s in nearly every picture at this event.

I’m going to assume Toyota is some kind of sponsor considering everyone is posing like this is Low Riders International.

RIHANNA AND THE MUCH MUSIC OUTFITS OF DOOM

It didn’t start out that bad …

Her hair was cute.

Then the “WTF?” alarm started blaring over the weird white harness looking faux suspenders.

And it only gets worse from here.

I’m just going to say it. She looks like she’s auditioning for an all-female version of the Village People, but I can’t tell if she’s a cop, soldier or a sailor in her pleather pants.

As for other WTF moments. Did you know New Kids On the Block are back?

I was never a big NKOTB fan (it’s all about New Edition), but I would be lying if I didn’t admit to liking a few songs (which all managed to get played on BET back in the day).

While the “bad boy” of the group, Donnie Wahlberg (the lesser Wahlberg because it’s ALL about Marky Mark and his Calvins) won me over as a cop on the aborted NBC drama “Boomtown,” my favorite New Kid is/was Jordan Knight because I bought his solo album seven years ago and it was a nice dose of pop. I especially loved his take on Prince’s “I Would Never Take the Place of Your Man” by slowing it down and making it a ballad.

That said, who wanted this? What sick bastard was demanding to hear “Hanging Tough” one more ‘gain? Was it the gays? Was it the 30 year old women who watched that crappy New Kids cartoon back in the early 90s? Who, dammit?

Just get on the floor and do the New Kids dance!

And now for some randomness …

Here’s the pop n’ lock, break dancing crew Jabbawockeez. I won’t make fun of them because I totally have a B-boy fetish that knows no bounds. Even if it’s cheesy. I see a guy do the robot and I fall in love. I honestly cannot tell you why. B-boys are just sexy to me. They can dance and they are always in excellent shape. I’ve never met a B-boy who was a complete asshole. They reduce me to giggles and blushing. In Bakersfield there was a breaker I knew who I called “Farm Boy” in my head because he always wore plaid shirts and had red hair. Alone he looked unassuming. But put down some cardboard and he suddenly came alive the most magnetic man in the world with that big smile and all the spinning.

But I’m going to stop writing about it now because if I go on for too long it starts to get embarrassing and all TMI — too much information. So I’ll leave you with this: I have a B-boy fetish. It is the only fetish I have. I don’t advertise that, lest I have every skeevy guy who studied a Darrin’s Dance Grooves video pushing up on me.

As if the Pussycat Dolls weren’t ridiculous enough, now we have Girlicious. They have a “I’m hotter than you” song called “Like Me.” It doesn’t suck. But then I like crappy dance pop. I own an Eden’s Crush album.

Seriously, it totally did not suck that hard. There were some good tracks on there.

But I have utter disdain for the Pussycat Dolls. Other than their overplayed “Don’t Cha” I’ve found them dull. But hey. If you have abs and you’re willing to be half nekkid all the time, I say go for it.

You could do worse.

THE ROCK FOUNDATION

And her is Dwayne Johnson, aka The Rock, gorgeous as ever, but in need of a shave at a premiere event of his new film “Get Smart,” where he stars with Anne Hathaway and Steve Carrell. (I love all three actors so I will be plunking down my $7.50.) This premiere was held in Las Vegas as a part of his charity The Rock Foundation. (The Rock loves the kids!) He received a Brenden Star inside of the Palms Casino Hotel.

Written by blacksnob

June 16, 2008 at 4:04 pm

Incognegro VII: Dwayne Johnson

with 25 comments

First off, I did not initially smell what “The Rock” was cooking.

For one, I hated wrestling. Back when I first discovered Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (who is now just Dwayne Johnson) about seven years ago when I was dating a guy who loved wrestling. I thought that was just about the tackiest thing in the world. I tried not to hold it against the dude, but man, fake sports? Lame.

His favorite wrestlers were The Rock, aka “The People’s Champion” aka “The Brahma Bull” aka “The King of Ridiculous Nicknames,” Stone Cold Steve Austin and some dude who would hit his crotch with his hands in a V-formation. I didn’t like that guy. But The Rock seemed like a charismatic enough fellow. I just couldn’t get over the wrestling thing.

Thank God he quit wrestling.

Johnson is not the greatest actor, but he’s the closest thing we’re going to get to an heir apparent to Ah-nuld Schwarzenegger. Schwarzenegger, also a mediocre actor, had a certain something, a look that said, “I could fuck shit up or be really hilarious, because, seriously, I’m ridiculous looking. I mean, look at these muscles and the thickness of my neck. I’m utterly ridiculous.”

Johnson is utterly ridiculous with “The People’s Elbow” and that crazy arching eyebrow thing he does. He’s Ah-nuld with an American accent, a more handsome and warm face and a lovely incognegro brown covering. He’s essentially delicious.

While he has to share some of his bona fides with fellow incognegro and potential Schwarzenegger clone, Vin Diesel, Johnson definitely gets more work or (more likely) he’s willing to take on more crappy work in-between the good stuff.

Johnson was supposed to be an NFL pro-baller. He was an incredible football player for the University of Miami, but a back injury killed his chances at a career. After poking around in the Canadian League (and getting cut from his team), he ditched his legitimate sports dreams altogether and hit the wrestling arena where his father, Rocky Johnson, had once reigned supreme.

His incognegro status comes from being one part black Canadian and one part Samoan. While it is obvious that Johnson is “brown,” as both black people and Samoans are known for their “permanent tans,” Johnson doesn’t quite look like a black American. Maybe it’s the nose or his protruding brow or his hairline or the overall, not-quite-black look of his facial area. I just didn’t see him as a Negro or even a half-Negro. I still don’t. But while searching for photos of him on the internet one site had his pictures tagged with the ethnicity of “black.” So, whatever. I don’t know if anyone ever asked the dude what he was since he seems pretty down with his black and Polynesian roots.

In most of his films he’s your racial “everyman.” Latino? Pacific Islander? North African? Negro? Who the fuck knows? In Disney’s “The Game Plan” they made sure to cast his “daughter” with a child actress who also fell into the “who the fuck knows” category. And Johnson will probably remain in on-screen racial limbo for the rest of his career.

I mean, how many roles are there out there where you can play 6’3″ Samoan?

He, quite famously, got $5.5 million dollars to star in “The Scorpion King,” and has starred in mostly action flicks, remakes and video game adaptations (“The Rundown,” “Doom,” “Walking Tall”) and even popped up in the highly anticipated Richard Kelly’s surrealist/sci-fi flick “Southland Tales.”

Like Schwarzenegger, Johnson is a Hollywood Republican. Unlike Schwarzenegger, Johnson is royalty. His mother, Ata Johnson, nee Maivia, came for a royal Samoan bloodline, leading Samoan King Malietoa Tanumafili II to bestow Johnson with the title of “Seiuli, Son of Malietoa” during a visit to Samoa in 2004.

Johnson dropped “The Rock” from his name in 2006 wanting to leaving wrestling behind completely and be seen solely as an actor. That was probably a good thing, but the not-quite Polynesian face with a quasi-black American name (I don’t know a lot of white dudes named “Dwayne,” but black guys? Hoards.), there’s still a bit of cognizant dissonance. But never mind. I’ll still go see “Get Smart” this summer anyway. He may be ridiculous, but he’s a hot, chiseled, royal incognegro sort of ridiculous and that’s something which everyone can partake.

Written by blacksnob

May 27, 2008 at 1:02 pm