The Black Snob

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Sexy Ladies

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For some reason my birthday week was the week of sexy, fashionable women stepping out in Hollywood and NYC. Not that I’m complaining. Any excuse to elaborate on the fierceness of random sisters is a joy. But while I (and others) will be wrapped up in hair and shoes and what outfits worked and what didn’t and who needs to lose or gain some pounds, others will be … HOT WOMEN? WHERE? WHERE?

They’re here.

And you have a dirty mind.

Elle Magazine Celebrates Women (Who Just Happen to be hot)

Halle Berry, sexiest woman in the MF-ing universe (according to a bunch of magazines and some dudes at Papa Snob’s barber shop) dared to show up looking pretty good for a woman who just pushed out a baby. Impressive.

I like the red orchid skirt. The whole outfit is a safe for someone who really doesn’t have to do much to look fierce. With her resident sperm donor, I mean boyfriend, at her side, I love the little accents in her jewelry and the lovely black heels my flat, wide feet can only dream of wearing.

Gina Torres is my superhero. (When Michelle Obama is busy.) I love the little tweeks of flash and kink in her outfit. Like this is a pretty safe, shapely black dress, but the red leather purse and the black lace tights makes a much more bold and rebellious statement. I haven’t seen anyone work lace tights that effectively since a pre-Evita Madge rolled around on the floor at the 1984 MTV Video Music Awards. If I could pull it off, I’d rock it.

I’m not afraid to admit it. I love Anne Hathaway. I love her look, her hair and she usually dresses pretty spiffy. She’s looking a wee skinny of late, but I’ll just chalk that up to her breaking up with her skeevy Italian boyfriend who just went to jail. I also learned last weekend from Saturday Night Live (when she hosted) she actually has a nice set of pipes. I’m seeing a musical in someone’s future at some point. She already looks like a Disney princess. That said, check out the shoes.

Damn, said my feet. Don’t even think about it. Don’t even dream. Trapped somewhere between fugly and hot (or fugly hot), I want them and I don’t even know why.

Eva Mendes is a beautiful woman who recently bitched that Americans were all for violence on film but prudes when it came to getting naked and doing the freaky deaky. So true. I don’t expect every guy to pull a full frontal Kevin Bacon and his lil’ bacon in “Wild Things” or bust out the stunt penis in “Boogie Nights” like Mark Wahlberg, but, damn, would it kill someone to take their clothes off? You know? Artistically. And make some love. Artistically. If I wanted to see porn, I’d watch porn, but I feel like I’ve been denied so many things. Like seeing Cole Hauser and Sanaa Lathan do the nasty in that horrible Tyler Perry film. They couldn’t make out? Couldn’t grope a little? Nothing???

But that said, let’s talk about what Eva’s rocking. Personally, out of all the Evas (Pigford, Mendes and Longoria), Mendes is my favorite, mostly because she looks insane and considering her recent stint in rehab she’s probably a lot of fun at parties. But sometimes for someone with a body so beautiful (that she’s willing to show off … artistically) she covers it up in some of the ugliest clothes.

Case in point: I’m not feeling this. What’s the point in having hips and a waist and boobs and great legs if you’re just going to wear a flapper-esque, shapeless frock? And did you even bother to brush your hair? Bed-head is sexy in bed. At the big show it should look laid. But I’ll forgive you because I love your crazy ass.

She’s so dreamy and sunny looking. Like a hostess at a really good restaurant. Or an old school coffee, tea or me airline stewardess. Or a nicety-nice girl who always wears the right shoes and has the perfect French tip manicure and pronounces every syllable of every word. And one long time Snob reader has regularly insisted that Kerry Washington looks like she’d make an excellent trophy wife. Someone call Sheikh Hamdan bin Mohammed bin Rashid al Maktoum of Dubai!

Now sometimes I have serious issues with Kerry’s makeup. This time is no real exception, but what I’m more annoyed with is her inability to take a picture with her mouth closed. This reminds me of a time I was trying to help out with a photo shoot and I suggested that the very beautiful woman posing close her mouth in a few shots because it would look better. She claimed she could not. I don’t know if she thought I was insulting her or calling her a mouth-breather (which she basically said she was as her excuse. She claimed she couldn’t breath without leaving our mouth partly open), but I was a little exasperated because … you can’t close your mouth for two seconds to get a decent shot where you don’t look like a mouth-breather?

Long story short. Kerry Washington, you’re gorgeous. Close your mouth when you pose for pictures. Or smile. Chose one!

God. Don’t you remember when Jennifer Lopez used to dress with the drama and was all sexy and crazy and was running around like her ass was made out of gold and was half-naked in dresses held together with double-stick tape screaming, “LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! I’M SO SEXY!”

What did Marc Anthony DO to that woman? That woman would never wear this! This is a criminal!

The puffy sleeves. The unflattering ruffled living room curtains look. That stoopid Stepford Wives bouffant. Why, Jenny from the block? Why did you have to change?

At least your feet looked good. Albeit they looked like they were going to the chapel aaaand gonna get maaaaried!

Thandie Newton Is A Sexy RockNRolla with Idris Elba and Gerard Butler (Who Isn’t?)

Thandie Newton. How many people get to be both an actress and an African princess? I love Thandie and hate Thandie. Mostly because she’s the scrawny, British Halle Berry — a really gorgeous biracial actress who despite her beauty and popularity still struggles to get quality work … so she ends up in suspect things. Like Berry did “Catwoman.” Thandie did “The Chronicles of Riddick.” But if there was a battle over who’s the better tragic mulatto actress I don’t know who would win.

Halle hogs all the good parts anyway.

The dress sort of reminds me of Saran Wrap, but she looks lovely. It gives the great illusion of a shape she doesn’t actually have, enhancing the bit she has to great effect.

Shoes and purses are nice, but a good looking man is always the best accessory to wear. You can’t do much better than both Idris Elba (who makes me think of the richest, most delicious, moist piece of chocolate cake with chocolate icing in the world) and Gerard “THIS … IS … SPARTA!” Butler.

Also there in black, gray and, strangely, feathers, the statuesque Garcelle Beauvais. You know? Along with Tasha Smith, Aisha Tyler and Gina Torres, she too might make a good Michelle Obama in the eventual movie that we all know will happen once the voters of the United States write the ending. (If the Pinkett-Smiths don’t ruin it by chopping four feet off of Michelle.)

Hated the outfit, love the purse n’ boots. Condoleeza would approve. A must have for any girl with an inner power lusting dominatrix.

The Secret Life of Incredibly Sexy Bees

Will and Jada keep it hot in the streets. As always. Jada’s dress is a nice Donna Reed, vacuum-my-house-in-pearls-and-heels throwback. I’m missing her short hair a bit, but she’s been wearing the long locks for awhile now.

Jennifer Hudson. Love the short, feathered hair. Love the color of the gown, but not too wild about the style. The shoes, not doing a lot for me either. She’s not really selling them (or they aren’t selling her feet.) What’s the point of being all curvy and luscious and being unable to wield it as a deadly weapon more appropriately? I hate it when good looking people get so close getting it right then run smack dab into “fail.”

Everything is WRONG! The blonde hair. The cut and style of the hair. The too dark, blood red lipstick. The black and silver print dress. It’s giving me a headache from slamming my head against the keyboard. Why, Queen Latifah? Why? You look so great in the Cover Girl commercials. What the hell happened?

It’s little Dakota Fanning! She’s growing up so fast. She can duke it out with Emma Watson over who’s the hottest tween. I don’t know who would win, but I have a feeling that Dakota at 20 is going to be a man killer.

Wait. Look at those heels! They’re hot, but how old is she? Are her feet age appropriate! Shoes that sexy disturb me a tad.

More of Jada in her Donna Reed design.

Sanaa Lathan’s smile is melting away those terrible memories I have of “The Family That Preys.” Not that I ever blamed her. And just like in the movie, her hair is mesmerizing me. What brand of Yaki created that?

And excellent use of distracting cleavage. It’s a lot of boobage, but not too gratuitous that she’s strolling into vamp territory. Just a little something to let you know that they’re there and they are fabulous.

I was excited about Nia Long’s look when I saw this perky, pretty head shot …

Then had my heart broken by the underwhelming blouse and skinny jeans. Boo!

Eva Pigford toned it down for this event. I prefer the drama, all day/every day, but I can live with her super long eyelashes and long sleeved black v-neck dress. Yeah, she looks like she’s going to a funeral and is just meh, but I’ll let it slide this time. Wish there was a better shot of the shoes. They look like they might be purple satin and that would be hot.

Ali Landry. I still wonder. Was she annoying or was Mario Lopez a man-whore because she’s drop dead gorgeous to the point of almost being flawless and he’s Mario “AC Slater Effing” Lopez. What happened? By the time the photos developed it was over.

It’s my No. 1 girl crush! Jill Marie Jones (seconded only by Rosario Dawson). I’m always happy to see Jill anywhere. I’d prefer to see her on TV or in a movie, but I’ll take the red carpet. For the first time Jill is rocking TOO much weave. I mean, I love her weaves. She looks fierce in them. But she’s got so much Rapunzel going on that it looks like she’s wearing a Hawaiian Silky Yaki-fur stole.

Still. To have the butter brown skin, the height, the tiny waist, legs for days, Dallas Cowboy cheerleader body and cheek bones for five minutes would be awesome. Even in a dress this ugly with a purse that works with nothing.

Keisha Sharpe. The woman they tried to use to make up for the loss of Jill Marie Jones on “Girlfriends.” I’m sorry. You’re cute in a Robin Givens sort of way, but my heart belongs to Jill. So I’m writing this to you in the most backhanded and biased way possible:

Your dress looks like a JC Penney Juniors Prom special and you’re wearing black nylons when Michelle Obama already declared nyons dead. And they’re not cool, like Gina Torres’ lace tights. But plain black nylons ready to rip at any moment. And your hair is a little frizzy, like it was humid at the premiere. But … cute shoes.

And lastly, the everlasting beauty of Beverly Johnson

Rock that wig, supermodel!


Celebrity Sandwich With Cheese

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A spoonful of celebrity helps the political debate go down!

For those who are veterans of Barack V. McCain II: The Battle of Belmont University, please enjoy my batch of mindlessness celebrity ogling — Beyonce, Kerry Washington, Lenny Kravitz, Nick and Mariah, Zoe Saldana, Tyler Perry and many, many more!


A toned down R&B diva Beyonce made an appearance at the International Pediatric Hall of Fame Children’s Hospital Foundation Diamond Ball and Concert. It’s always a little weird to see her with the unbeweaveable lace-front, but actually think she looks nice — like some trillionaire Middle Eastern royal’s wife.

Although, the Queen of Jordon wouldn’t rock such a low neckline. Everything else though? Spot on.

Also performing at the benefit: Smokey Robinson

And disco diva, Gloria Gaynor. Still surviving.


Kerry is very adorable here. Cindy McCain is looking at that outfit and wondering if it comes in a size zero. Of course, Cindy’s rather pale and this lovely light blue and white ensemble might wash her out, so she’ll be looking for it in Nancy Reagan red. I even like the odd collar ruffle on the jacket (even if it makes her look like a Star Fleet ensign). Although the almost nude lipstick with the smokey eye is not working for me. Other than that, she’s super pretty, pretty. Too bad, so sad her last film “Lakeview Terrence” was lacking in all kinds of ways.

Kerry and burlesque star Dita Von Tesse who is everything Rose McGowan wishes she was.

Lenny Kravitz, dressed like a rocker as always (he’s HUGE in Paris), wants to take a picture of …



Everyday is like Sears pictures with these people. Or Glamor Shots. Or Prom pictures. Either way, they’re posing and taking pictures.


Hate the shoes. Hate the hair. Still love the Zoe. Her smile is a little pinched, but forgivable.

And finally, the motherload …


Will Smith flashes the peace sign, but where is Jada! Or the kids? And can you please talk your wife out of playing Michelle Obama in the possible biopic that we know will eventually come? That said, you look great. Maybe you can hook Tyler Perry up with some film tips … like, let his writer’s unionize and let real directors and writers make his Peyton Place visions sing.

That said, the black Hollywood community showed one of their most recent and biggest successes oodles of love in Atlanta. Everyone from film royalty to D-list all-stars paid their respects.

“THEY CALL ME MR. TIBBS!” Sidney Poitier, theatrical royalty.

And now, Mr. Perry stands next to the royalty. In an all white suit. I wonder what Poitier and Perry talked about when they were together? “I loved you in Uptown Saturday Night! Hilarious!” And it was hilarious, Perry. Hilarious.

And now Perry stands next to I’m the next best thing to money on your movie bank, Will “Ching-Ching Goes the Registar” Smith.

“No, no. This is how we wear it Philly style. That’s money, right there, son.”

Allen Payne. He is the man I loved before I loved TJ Holmes. But as much as I love G Money (and Lord knows I do), I can’t bring myself to watch “House of Payne” on TBS.

It breaks my heart. He was in “The Perfect Storm,” “A Price Above Rubies,” “Jason’s Lyric,” “New Jack City,” and “CB4” as Dead Mike and he was sexy as hell.

Home run hitter, steroids aficionado Barry Bonds and his wife Liz.

People who would make slightly more sense as Michelle Obama in a film: Tasha Smith. What a statuesque glamazon. Love the flamenco inspired black gown. Heavy drama. That dress gives off mad drama. It would look really hot on Jill Marie Jones … who wasn’t at this event. I miss looking at her looking flawless in things so much.

Thank God I have Patti LaBelle. This looks like a number from Diahann Carroll’s “no. 1 black bitch” days on Dynasty. It’s taking me back … to fierce.

Patti, LA Reid and Erica Reid

Eva Pigford … OK, the ladies are killing this. Eva looks hot, although the dress reminds me a bit of something I’ve seen Halle Berry in before. Not that her date Lance Goss is hard on the eyes. Very nice.

Two people too good looking to be alive — Nicole Ari Parker and Boris Kodjoe. I love Nicole’s haircut. It’s a longer on the top, more punk version of Nicole Murphy’s hairdo. It’s tough, but sexy. I can’t quite figure out the dress, (the weird balloon/bunching, the black lace top) but it’s black and she’s standing next to Boris, so she looks great.

People who would make slightly more sense as Michelle Obama in a film: Kimberly Elise

The Sean “Diddy” Combs of gospel, Kirk Franklin and his wife.

Actress Jennifer Lewis

Singer John Legend looking very Frankie, Sammy, Dean and the other two guys.

The unsinkable Star Jones. The dress does nothing for her and she could really use the support of a nice bra. Hate, hate, hate this flamenco ruffle at the bottom. It brings none of the drama Tasha Smith’s did. And the weave? Not feeling it. Maybe she should call up Beyonce or Jessica Simpson and get some lacefront tips.

Malik Yoba. He will remain forever in my heart for New York Undercover. It amazes me he never landed on any of the million police procedural shows on network and cable TV.

Lynn Whitfield goes for the drama too, but I’m hating all of it. But I won’t hold it against her.

Civil Rights icon and Congressman John Lewis represented his state and the guy who is pumping money into it view opening this studio.

Gladys Knight and hubby, William McDowell.

Terri J. Vaughn takes Star’s botched flamenco and raises her one scaled fish tail.

God, I haven’t seen this guy in anything since that horrible live action version of Spawn. Michael Jai White (who also played a mean Iron Mike in an HBO picture eons ago). He’s pictured here his wife Courtney. If he’d been a stronger actor, or if Spawn had been successful or if Wesley Snipes had crashed and burned in the mid-90s, the athletic, martial artist White might have had a better career. Wait? Was that him in The Dark Knight as the black gangster? That’s still a career of sorts! It’s no Blade, but Wesley won’t be getting anything as good as Blade for a long time.

The unsinkable Tracey Edmonds. So pretty yet I still don’t like her.

An adorable Holly Robinson Peete (with a giant rose boob and wearing dark blue and NOT black like everyone else) with her mother, Dolores Robinson. OMG! Her mom and my mom have almost the same name! And how cute is it to bring your mother to the big fancy party? Mommy’s like to party too!

Ruby Dee. Eighty-three-years-old and still more fierce than any of us on our best day. I bow down.

I’m not familiar with this woman (Denise Laughton) or her work, but I really liked the layered look of her curve flattering dress.

Wesley Jonathon. Before his doppelganger married Mariah Carey, I used to get Jonathon confused with Nick Cannon in pictures. Jonathon is hotter than Cannon, but they have similar smiles.

Solid as a rock! Valerie Simpson and Nick Ashford. They were never fly, so I didn’t expect them to be as hot as Ruby Dee. Nor did I expect Nick to give up the perm. But they’ve been together for decades and black love is beautiful, so rock on tacky songwriters! You’ve given us and lovers so much through your line of work.

Wanda Smith? No. I realize you’re a comic, but … no. I called both Star Jones and Tracey Edmonds “unsinkable,” but in this get up you truly look like the original Unsinkable Molly Brown, aka Margaret Brown, a brassy aristocrat who survived the sinking of the Titanic, has a musical named for her and was played by Kathy Bates in the film version of the disaster.

Molly Brown is all, “Is that Madame CJ Walker?”

Written by blacksnob

October 8, 2008 at 10:55 pm

The Best and Worst on the Celebrity Scene

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Will Smith with my favorite prima dona Dallas Cowboy, Terrell Owens at Hancock’s Hollywood debut.

I had so many pictures left in the Inbox over the weekend that I did not have the time to get to them all. To spare us both of the world’s longest celebrity photo spread, I’m going to run one half of the backlog today and the other tomorrow. Last week Will Smith’s new flick “Hancock” premiered and although I did not go see the film, I did look at the pictures from its red carpet debut. And while Will will always been the goofy “Fresh Prince” to me, Jada is knock’em out the park like it’s nobodies business. Why-o-why is she not acting? Le sigh.

Here are last week’s best of the best.

“Hancock” Movie Premiere
Hollywood, June 30

Someone needs to slip Will his lithium. I think he’s having another episode of … world’s greatest movie producer! All actors flak on behalf of their projects but Will always seems to take it to a shinier, creepier level of late. He told Stephen Colbert he’s trying to break Tom Cruise’s record for spending the most time at the rope line greeting fans and signing autographs. On one hand, wonderful! Great to know you’re a man of the people. But on the other, dear Lord! Would you calm down? You’re two steps from jumping on a couch!

Seriously, Jada.

That’s too much sexy. Stop playing.

Jaden and Willow Smith. They are the coolest looking celebrity kids since Maddox Jolie-Pitt rocked a Mohawk.

Hey it’s Trey! The other Smith. And he looks almost exactly like dad. And he’s practically man-sized. It seems like just yesterday he was the product of Will’s starter marriage. Once again, kids should not look that cool, further bolstering my stealth campaign for Will Smith as Barack Obama’s VP. Can you imagine Smith’s telegenic family of five next to the telegenic Obamas’ family of four? The cool meter would break, despite the fact that here Will is looking like Farnsworth Bentley. Where’s yo umbrella, Will?

Will and former “Fresh Prince” co-star Tatyana Ali

Damon Wayans, my favorite Wayans after Marlon … even if I hated “My Wife and Kids.”

Damon’s “Wife and Kids” co-star, Tisha Campbell looking lovely in yellow. And she’s smartly covering that Tyra Banks level forehead.

Tia Mowry. I love Tia (and her twin Tamara). I wanted to be them when I was a teen watching “Sister, Sister” but I don’t know how I feel about this dress. I love the gold color. It looks great with her skin. And she’s so thin and pretty she could pretty much wear anything. But the ruffles? And the back ruffles that makes her look like a flamenco dancer who’s skirt was chopped in half. And I’m not feeling the shoes at all, but overall, I think she makes the ruffles work rather than have the ruffles work her. Fashion warning: I don’t think anyone else should attempt this look without some close consultation of your friends and some strangers who won’t spare your feelings.

Actor Chi McBride and Julissa Marquez

Queen Latifah, who didn’t bother to dress up at all. Seriously? Nikes and a track suit?

It’s the 90s REBORN! John Witherspoon, Damon Wayans and Sinbad. My parents loved Sinbad. They saw him twice when he came to St. Louis. They own his “Brain Damage” cassette tape. (Tee hee, cassette tape.) At his peek, he was hilarious and my parents liked that he kept it clean enough that we could all watch his specials on TV together. What the hell happened to Sinbad? He did movies and everything in the 90s. Sure, he was no Eddie Murphy but he had to be at least as good or better than Martin Lawrence.

Will, I don’t know if I’d want my son that close to Diddy and one of his spawn. I’m sure Christiam Combs is a nice enough kid, but it’s only a matter of time until he’ll be throwing diamonds up in the air, sippin’ Cristal and twirling over and over to hot beats he didn’t make and rapping lyrics he did not write. It’s a slippery slope, Will! Slippery slope!

Will horsing around with his daughter Willow

Tia and her newlywed husband Cory Hardict.

Tyrese Gibson, chocolaty and delicious

Vivica Fox was there for the Hancock premiere and is shockingly nice looking. I sometimes forget that at a point when Vivica’s career was blooming she starred opposite Will Smith in “Independence Day.” I never understood why the producers cast her as a stripper named Jasmine. Considering that her character was secondary they could have picked any career or back story on why Will’s character was told to be wary of marrying her. Vegas Showgirl. Former drug addict. A criminal record. Hoodrat. They only picked stripper so she could be half naked for two seconds standing in the vicinity of a pole.

Above is Will and Jamie Foxx, clowning per usual. Amazingly, Jamie has done a film with Will’s new BFF Tom Cruise, but Will has not. What is it Will? Is it Tom’s high level of toxicity right now because I know you wouldn’t want anything to interfere with your ability to pull $65 million + opening weekends. Below is Will and American Idol reject turned rocker Chris Daughtry.

Missy Elliot Surprise Birthday Party

New York City, June 30

Missy looks like Missy as Pepa comes dangerously close (yet again) to drag queenish status. The giant fancy black and lace bra, that weird black sweater top. The white jeans. The superweave. But … I guess it’s not that bad as the hallmark of women who look like drag queens is radio syphilis carrier Wendy Williams. Pepa actually has a pretty face, framed nicely by the superweave. And her body, while muscular, is often banging. The same cannot be said for Williams. So I take it back, Pepa. You just look a little tacky. Not a drag queen.

Model/singer(?) Cassie, producer Dallas Austin and some random chick. I don’t know much about this “Cassie” person, but I really did like her single “Long Way 2 Go.” If I were 15 I would be making up elaborate dance routines to it in my parent’s basement.

USA Mens Olympic Basketball Team

New York City, June 30

I’m sorry. I’ve never had a case of that LeBron James fever that’s going around, but he is one of the best players in the league (with a weak supporting cast). They really need to shore up the rest of the team lest they want LeBron to toil in the same hell Kevin Garnett dwelled in before coming to Boston.

I know that Kobe irritates people. As a Laker fan, he even irritates me by being such a drama queen, but I’d still like to see him rise to the occasion and post 60 points in a game that actually mattered.

Like in the playoffs. No big!

Don’t let Jason Kidd’s paleness fool you. Everything else about hims screams BLACK MAN!!!

Dwayne Wade. Hope you either get rescued from Miami or that Miami will get their shit together. You don’t deserved to be on such a horrendous team.

Win the gold! But no pressure. I mean, do your best. But, Kobe, Dwayne, Jason, Bron-Bron — win the gold. For reals.

Giorgio Armani

Fall/Winter fashion show, Paris, June 30

I don’t know how I feel about Kerry Washington’s outfit. She’s quite the little fashionista and for some reason I really like the ensemble. It’s unconventional yet feminine and has a very 1950s vibe going. And the skirt’s pattern has this lovely Monet quality to it, making me think of his paintings of water lillies. Separate, nothing she has on matches, but together it’s quite arresting.

Zhang Ziyi is one of my favorite Chinese actresses. I’m grateful she chose to stay primarily with Asian cinema rather than take the bait post-Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon to nakedly pursue stardom in the states. She’s only done two American films to my knowledge — “Rush Hour 2” and the screen adaptation of “Memoirs of a Geisha” and both limited her range to a violent petite thug and a white man’s interpretation of what a Japanese Geisha is. Never mind all the controversy of casting Chinese actresses to play Japanese women.

I saw both films and they confirmed, once again, why I’m glad Ziyi primarily does all her work in Asia. In Hollywood her talents would largely be a waste no matter how hard she worked on her accent. Lucy Liu and Kelly Hu are from here and can’t operate out of dragon lady or sex object dichotomy while sometimes faking a stilted Asian accent because Asian people aren’t supposed to sound like Americans according to Hollywood. Somehow Sandra Oh, a more unconventional actress who is conventionally pretty, managed to avoid this fate and portrays vastly more nuanced roles as a sometimes comedic character actress.


July 1

I don’t watch much Disney so I’ll be honest, I didn’t have a clue who Vanessa Hudgens was until “Naked Pictures On the Internet-Gate” happened. I’d wrongly assumed she was a Christian pop singer from her album cover.

Like countless Disney starlets before her she had the audacity to turn out to be yet another sexually curious/active teenager exploring their boundaries via email and text messaging. While I realize the wholesome Disney-tot route can lead to googobs of cash (see Miley Cyrus) it also seems stifling and in conflict to who you are in real life (see Miley Cyrus). I personally hope she’ll bounce back from this and have a lengthy career of being terrorized in horror pics or frolicking about in middling romantic comedies. Maybe she could cut a hip hop/R&B album, pulling a move from Mouse House escapees Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears and Justine Timberlake.

TRL, MTV studios

New York City, July 1

I don’t know who this “Young Berg” is but I’m liking his sense of humor. Although rocking a bling’ed out Autobots logo is a little audacious, bordering on pop culture vulgarity, it works with his little doll there.

Three 6 Mafia being Three 6 Mafia.

Marc Anthony receives an honorary award

Palazzo Marino, July 1

Oh my God! A reanimated corpse is giving a press conference! Run, lady, before he eats your brains! Oh wait. That’s just singer Marc Anthony and Grand Diva Jennifer Lopez.

That dress is very “Roma.” Very vintage Sophia Loren, J. Lo. Is the one-sleeve the new two sleeves? Actually the dress is kind of pretty on her, but that purse … mmm … love it. I bet it costs more than my car.

Guiseppe Zanotti Design Party

Paris, July 1

Eva Mendes and designer Guiseppe Zanotti

Christian Lacroix

Fall/Winter Fashion Show, Paris, July 1

Janet Jackson and Jermaine Dupri. I wonder if the other Jacksons and their friends do a lot of Jermaine/Jermaine jokes with Janet having a poorly dressed, S-Curl addicted brother of the same name. Who’s sexier? JD or JJ?

Jean Paul Gaultier PFW Fall/Winter

Paris, July 2

Janet Jackson, sans Jermaine in France.

GQ Dinner hosted by Jay-Z

London, July 2

This is the Jigga Man as a “dapper rapper.” He’s here hosting some event for GQ in London. Why? I’ll never know. Maybe he owns a shitload of stock in GQ’s publisher. Maybe it’s because he just looked oh-so-Camel Joelicious! But where is Beyonce? I’m tired of pulling celeb pics off of WireImage of celebrities without their more famous others. Jermaine should never be pictured with Janet Jackson in close proximity. Nick Cannon should be a non-issue unless Mariah is around. And Jay-Z, due to his high level of fug, shouldn’t be photographed without Beyonce to distract us from that face. Like this is a picture of Jay TRYING to be so fresh, so clean but having the wonderfulness of his suit ruined by his mug.

Professional clothes wearer Naomi Campbell supported her fellow insanely rich Negro, Jay-Z at the GQ event and she respected his party by not assassinating someone with her Motorola Razr.

Fashion Votes For Kerry Washington; Dwayne Gets Smart; and Will Smith Can’t Convince Me To See Hancock

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Tichina Arnold, Kerry Washington and Nicey Nash at the Fashion Votes gala, hosted by Washington

So many pictures of so many black people. I just couldn’t chose which was more important to put up — Kerry Washington looking ever-so-fetch in an Oriental accented silk dress, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson looking ever-so-delicious in a tux or the most recent fashion disaster Rihanna rocked on MTV.

I couldn’t resist. I blogged about them all!


Kerry is so tiny and so adorable and so glowing that I want to murder her. I’ve never been able to pull off a silk anything as it makes me look like Chunky A. Like my back and stomach start to resemble rolls of Sacajawea coins. The fact that she can wear this pretty, flirty, little temptress number makes me feel very covetous. I like how the top half says modesty but the split up the side says, “The men all pause when I walk into the room.”

Kerry and designer Nanette Lepore

Alfre Woodard, I love you, but would it have killed you to try? It’s a fashion party, for goodness sake. Blond frizzy hair and a black headband says I’m hitting the gym, not posing next to timely election themed couture.

See, Alfre? Nicey Nash gets it. It’s a party. A sexy, fashionista party. Work a flower on the side of your head. Embrace fuchsia colored garments. Prop up your spectacular boobs. Do something!

Rockmond Dunbar. First off, I’m a big fan. Loved you on “Prison Break.” Sad that there’s been a dearth of Negroes on there ever since your character was sequestered away in the Witness Protection Program. (Wentworth Miller’s incognegroness does not count as he is not playing an incognegro on the show — as far as I can tell.)

While I think you’re muy, muy guapo, so guapo you could be on my Great Wall of Sexy, you don’t rock a hat as well as my murse lovin, bad boyfriend, Terrence Howard … but it was nice of you to try. Oh, Mr. Baby Wipes. Why can’t they all be as so fresh, so clean as you?

Tichina Arnold: Eh. She still tried harder than Alfre.

Miss Amerie seems to be suffering from the same “Ashy Larry” optical illusion that plagued Kerry Washington at Cannes last month. Like with Kerry, I do not believe Amerie actually left the house sans lotion, but without some sort of buttery sheen, brown legs will look like they’ve been “playing in flour” when photographed under such bright lights. You’re not doing your gams justice, girl. Use more Palmers.

That said, cute shoes. I like animal print in small doses. Now if only I could convince Kimora to do the same. Leopard doesn’t need to be on everything.


He was the best looking guy at the “Get Smart” premiere. And I’m not talking about the new Pink Panther Pimp, Terry Crews.

Oh, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. You’re so pretty and glowing that even your chin stubble is starting to look good to me. That twinkle. That smirk. The fact that you’re tall, buff and insanely good looking. I’d smell whatever you’d cook any day.

Dwayne and Get Smart star Steve Carell. I seriously hope this movie is funny. Or that there’s gratuitous amounts of The Rock and Anne Hathaway in it. Like, drenched in them. Like so sopping wet in his-and-her hotness that I’m too busy enjoying Dwayne’s handsome mug and her ability to make a burlap sack look good that I won’t even notice if Mr. Bruce Almighty’s latest shtick falls flat.

St. Louis’ own El Ced, Cedric The Entertainer. Once again, I love a man in a hat, but you sir are no Rockmond Dunbar. And I won’t even bring up Mr. Baby Wipes because his name shouldn’t even be typed next to yours. And a wooly plaid? In the summer time? Good day, sir!

C’mon. You know it. You love it. Admit it. You want that panther. That’s a powder pink that’ll make the panties drop with anticipation! And he’s rocking the three-button-down man-cleavage. And he brought his Jane Child-look-a-like, blond punk rock girlfriend (in white behind him). And he looks like he stole that suit from a New Jersey high school prom, circa 1978. You love it. You want it. I can feel you panting through the monitor.

What? You swear it’s not sexy?


Now he’s holding his kid, Lil’ Terry Crews! Every thing’s hotter with kids. That’s what’s hot in the streets right now. Wearing pink three piece suits, showing off the man boobs while hoisting up your seed. YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT! Sure, Lil’ Terry is givin’ his dad the side-eye but I bet that has nothing to do with him having a flash forward to when he’s 16 and his dad whips out this photo to show his Homecoming date. After all, the light salmon suit says, “I’m matching with Daddy!” But the face says, “No, Daddy! God, no!


This movie had 10 billion commercials running during the NBA Finals and it never stopped looking stupid.

Will Smith and Charlize Theron played nicety-nice for the cameras in France this week while promoting their summer action blockbuster. While I’m not the biggest Will Smith fan I tend to like his vehicles. Loved the original “Bad Boys,” loved the America, fuck yeah cheesiness of “Independence Day,” loved “Hitch” and “The Pursuit of Happyness.” I even didn’t mind “Ali,” although the execution of that film was shitacular. But I have a “Men in Black II” feeling about this Hancock thing.

He’s a wayward, bad boy super hero. Really? He’s the bitter, drunken Superman. Is that so? Maybe this would be novel if The Punisher, Wolverine, Iron Man, Captain Jack Sparrow, HellBoy, Scud the Disposable Assassin and Howard the Duck didn’t already exist. Never mind that all the shit that is supposed to be snarky badassery in the trailers prompts copious eye rolling by moi. But I’m sure someone will plunk down a ten spot to sit through this well treaded ground.

My San Antonio Spurs former frog amour, Tony Parker and his wee petite wife Eva Longoria. We fake broke up after he married that desperate, diminutive Tex-Mex woodland sprite.


Rihanna is once again adorable from the neck up, but from down below I still hate her clothes. She chose to pop in at MTV’s TRL totally dressed like this.

No, baby, no. The boots! The pointy toed, spiderweb, Witches of Eastwick looking boots! The high-waisted baby doll dress with the tight, Jazzercise stretchy top! I swear, if I didn’t know better I’d think that Mama Tina was creating her wardrobe. Only I don’t know if Beyonce’s moms would be trying to help RiRi or sabotage her as, I love Mama Tina, but her clothes … not so much.

I hate it.

Oh sweet Lord, do I hate it. But the jacket is cute. Better luck next time.

Parade of Suedo Stars!

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For all us poor people, it was just “May.” For the rich and famous, last week was the Cannes Film Festival where everyone goes to France to be camera-whores.

It’s hard work, but someone has to put on a $8,000 mini dress and go do it.

As always, Supermodel and Cellphone-Fu black belt champion Naomi Campbell was on hand at Dolce & Gabbana’s Cannes party.

She was wearing Roman-esque silver gladiator sandals, a sparkly mini-dress and black feathers for a coat of some kind, but she’s Naomi. She could put on a black Hefty garbage bag and make it work.

While a lot of people at this party looked especially garish (Lindsay Lohan and her disappearing emerald skirt and Rose McGowan’s scraggly red hair to be specific), others looked less so. Like Sean “Dolphin Teeth” Combs and Kerry Washington who only looked a little silly in his white tuxedo suit and her hairy gold sweater of a dress.

Nice “finger jewelry.”

Is it just me or shouldn’t Kerry’s legs be shinier? Her face area has a nice, healthy glow and she’s wearing gold so shouldn’t her legs be all cocoa butter oiled up? Because at these sorts of events with all the cameras flashing not enough sheen can make a Negro look ashy. And that’s what I’m really saying. I realize she’s no “Ashy Larry” but the matte finish look does not work for a black person’s “evening legs,” especially when the skirt is this short and the gold is blending in with her natural skin tone.

I’m not saying she has to bathe in a bucket of Crisco or make love to some fried chicken from Church’s, World’s Greasiest Retail Chicken Chain, but … it couldn’t hurt.

But enough of that. It’s been five minutes. Are Nick and Mariah still together?

Oh, thank God! I was worried. No pictures of them had shown up in my inbox for nearly three whole days. Sure, I’d seen that one picture of a solo Nick at a party Diddy threw last week, but nothing substantial since the Six Flags Cupcakes of Love soirée they gave me May 16th. Thank heavens some paparazzi were there in Japan to greet them at the airport where a shy and resigned Mariah Carey fought tears as she reluctantly posed for pictures.

“Is this what you wanted! Is this what you came to see, you whores!” she shouted as she whipped out her left hand, displaying her wedding ring. “Why won’t you people LEAVE US ALONE? Why, Nick? Why???

I know it was hard, Mimi. I really do.

This is what it sounds like when doves cry.

And black tights with black sandals? Really? Is that what’s hot in the streets now? I can’t hate because she’s sort of making it work, but … black tights and sandals? It makes her look like she should have on a leotard, hopping a time machine to the 1980s so she can go “Jazzercise” in hot pink leg warmers, a matching scrunchie and a crimp ponytail.

Written by blacksnob

May 28, 2008 at 12:21 am